Another well written article by lost-dad, incredibly poignant. Please read and share to raise awareness of the evil that is parental alienation.

LOST DAD

The Future - Attribution: https://www.flickr.com/photos/33925187@N00/ The Future – Attribution: https://www.flickr.com/photos/33925187@N00/

This post was suggested by my various professionals during my journey and a post by David Shubert on iwaserased.com

I have thought about this a lot over the previous years. How to put into words the loss that I feel not seeing my children, having no idea what they are up to, not being asked daddy questions and an infinite amount of other possible situations.

I was ‘lucky’, in that I have found (or they found me?) a wonderful new partner and her son, both of whom adore me. They make me feel whole, and the residual doubt that I had every now and then that I could have been to blame for what happened between my children, their mother and I have been exorcised. I know I am a good partner and a good father to a son who isn’t mine. I certainly must…

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The above play on words got me pondering on both the nature and choice of behaviours of those that intentionally or unintentionally become enablers of parental alienation.

To be, or not to be, that is the question,” from Shakespeare’s Hamlet is arguably the best known line from literature and theatre. In its entirety the speech shows Hamlet’s profound dissatisfaction with life and its many struggles.

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He is uncertain what death by suicide may bring. This is subtly  underpinned with the Christian denunciation of suicide, the Tudor belief that suicide leads to the fires of hell. Hamlet is highlighting the dread and uncertainty of suicide. He believes the wrong judgement call leads to the fiery gates of hell with no way back.

In life there are many decisions and actions that are pivotal. Enablers of parental alienation ultimately make the wrong judgement call, when they intentionally or unintentionally engage in certain behaviours. Some choose to ‘turn a blind eye’ while others are prevented from doing the right thing.

“Nowadays we are encouraged to not just stop ‘turning a blind eye’ to such things as sexism, racism and any other form of abuse, but to actually challenge it.”

Very recently and as politely as possible I challenged the behaviours of some individuals who were clearly enabling the parental alienation of my children. Their response shocked me. One of their many points was that they understood parental alienation, however they reminded me that when a couple separates it is important to remain impartial. I have reflected on this point and given it a lot of thought. Nowadays we are encouraged to not just stop ‘turning a blind eye’ to such things as sexism, racism and any other form of abuse, but to actually challenge it. However it saddens me to think that individuals, that might even have a gut feeling that something is amiss, adamantly stand by the argument that it is more important to remain impartial. This is something I simply do not understand.

On a separate note I write weekly letters to each of my alienated children, however their mother refuses to hand them over to the children. I recently asked one of my children’s schools if they could start reading these letters to my youngest child. Their reply was that without the consent of the children’s mother they are unable to facilitate such a request. This is despite the school being more than aware of the ongoing abuse being inflicted on my children by their mother. In response to this I forwarded the school a Court Order that explicitly states that both direct and indirect contact has been ordered. I also put forward the point that the school was unintentionally enabling this severe alienation by not facilitating my request.

To enable, or not to enable, that is the question. Being unable to answer this question themselves, the head-teacher sought legal advice from the local authority. The subsequent advice was that the school should not get involved and that they must remain impartial. The head-teacher stated that he wished he could help but it would be going against legal advice. Once again this is something I simply do not understand. To enable, or not to enable, that is the question. Should we even need to question it?

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” William Shakespeare, (All’s Well That Ends Well).

btg dad


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We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

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The Peace Not Pas Team

In 1992 R.E.M. released their eighth studio album Automatic for the People. Back then I was a mere 18 years of age, living and growing up in North London. During this time my friends and I would meet outside the local offy (off licence/liquor store) every Friday evening prior to ‘going out on the town’. Due to there being no mobile phones or social media back then we would always meet at the same time and at the same offy every Friday evening.

The evening would start with us all excitedly bundling into the offy and each purchasing an alcoholic beverage or two; a somewhat undignified aperitif designed to moisten the palette for the night ahead. For most of us, the biggest worry back then would have been the post pubescent issue of being asked for ID in front of your friends when attempting to buy alcohol. Anyone asked for ID due to the misfortune of looking underage would subsequently be subjected to a barrage of abuse, ridicule and good old fashioned British piss-taking by their friends once everyone had safely purchased their goods and exited said offy.

“Back then that was how we ‘shared music’ and we would ‘like it’, simply by telling each other in person we liked it.”

With cans and bottles being opened and cigarettes being lit, the conversation would then turn to the most important things in life for us at that time; what pub are we going to tonight, who’s going in who’s car, who’s getting the first round of drinks in, who’s drinking what, who’s going out with who. Sometimes the magnitude and complexity of such conversations required quite a lengthy debate from all involved.

It was at this point during one of these evenings that I was sitting in a friends car, most probably drinking a can of Fosters while smoking an Embassy No.1 like some kind of Dickensian street urchin, in a futile attempt to look cool. My aforementioned friend had Automatic for the People blasting out of his car cassette player. Suffice to say I got a lift with him to the pub while we continued to listen to said album in his car. Back then that was how we ‘shared music’ and we would ‘like it’, simply by telling each other in person we liked it. We may have listened to it on the way home that night, but for obvious reasons I don’t remember that part of the evening.

“The obligatory pencil always nearby for any cassette emergencies.”

I remember going to my local Our Price record store at the earliest opportunity after that night out and excitedly buying Automatic for the People on cassette. For some reason I didn’t have my Walkman on me, so I had to wait until I got home to listen to it on my Hi-Fi stereo cassette player that took pride of place in my bedroom at my parents house. Like any other album that captivated me at the time, I played it again and again.

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The obligatory pencil was always nearby for any cassette emergencies that always seemed to happen to your favourite tapes. One of my favourite tracks on the album at the time was the up tempo and cheerful The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite. This was then followed by Everybody Hurts, a track that at the time, as much as I didn’t dislike it, it simply didn’t draw me in.

At the risk of sounding like my Dad (who is amazing by the way), back then was a different time. People interacted with one another differently, the world seemed a more innocent place. Maybe that is the nature of nostalgic reflection on one’s youth and the sub-culture that one belonged to. Who knows? In line with this 90’s undertone, answers on a postcard please!

Automatic for the People as an album stayed with me, as was the case with many albums it became somewhat of an internal soundtrack to my youthful shenanigans. And as my life progressed many songs and albums would take on a deeper meaning, a deeper connection. Several years later, one of those songs was Everybody Hurts, and over the coming years I listened to it more and more. I now view it as a beautiful song, in my opinion, its sheer simplicity is what makes it beautiful.

There have been very recent times in my life when I have been unable to listen to it at all. This was particularly the case when I faced very dark times in the Spring of 2017. This was due to the intensity of the battle I still continue to fight to this day; I continue to fight for the right to be a father to my children. I have been refused this right due to parental alienation. I have not had any meaningful contact with them since 2016. However I am listening to it now as I write this and remember more innocent times, such as those I have written about above.

I loved my youth, I definitely didn’t appreciate it and it feels like it flew by in the blink of an eye.

Someone once said “youth is wasted on the young.”

btg dad


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The Peace Not Pas Team

As the name of this blog suggests I am in a battle, however I do not revel in the fight. I am often defeated, but seek no pity for each loss. I cling on to those around me and trust in their love and support. All I wish is to be a father to my three beautiful children. That is what I am fighting for day in and day out.

As any parent fighting parental alienation knows, the number of defeats completely outweigh the victories. Requests and pleas for help are regularly turned down by social services, judges, friends etc. The list goes on of the people, services and institutions that will turn their back on you when you need them the most. An alienated parent’s love for their children is the ultimate motivation to carry on in the face of such adversity.

“It is hard to describe in words what it feels like to fear the possible abduction of one’s own children by their other parent.”

However despite enduring numerous defeats over the last ten and a half months a significant victory fell upon me very recently. There is currently a travel restriction that prevents my ex taking our children out of the country due to the very real and enduring risk of parental abduction. However she very recently attempted to appeal it in court. Her request was denied due to the above risk. This is the small but incredibly significant victory. It is hard to describe in words what it feels like to fear the possible abduction of one’s own children by their other parent, the fear increasing with each passing day leading up to the court hearing.

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I do not wish to elaborate any further on the fear, nor the past defeats, but simply emphasise how much I value the support and love from those close to me during this time. Despite everything, I am lucky to have such kindness and compassion around me, to see me through both the victories and the defeats.

In his retelling of the Arthurian legend The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights, John Steinback writes “somewhere in the world there is a defeat for everyone. Some are destroyed by defeat, and some made small and mean by victory. Greatness lives in one who triumphs equally over defeat and victory.”

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team