Warning, this story could bore you to fears
As I laid in bed this morning, not knowing what to do with myself, I wondered how is it that in a universe of infinite wonder, we allow ourselves to become so bored? I remember then thinking “if I was to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms because I’m bored, would that mean I have too much thyme on my hands?”
Look, I’m not going to bullshit you, but you need to know that reading this story could be a complete and utter waste of your time. You may have been tempted by the light-hearted title, enticed by the author’s quirky bio, or even received financial payment from my dear ol’ mum, but please note you will never get the next 2 minutes back. Tragically these 2 minutes could be like an African American in US police custody, gone forever.
Having just spent the last 10 weeks up to my eyeballs in absolute madness, pretending to know what the fuck was going on — to the point my boss told me even if I was in need of a mental breakdown, there was a 6-month waiting list — it’s unsurprising I suddenly have the urge to write something creative about what I’ve learned about the value of time.
Hang on a minute!
1- Your attitude to life is only as positive as your attitude is to time
2- However much time you’ve wasted, just move on
3- You may think research is a waste of time, but I found out the hard way that cockfighting is done with chickens
4- Don’t waste your time on unnecessary responses to other peoples dramas
5- Keynote speeches about time management should never last more than 5–6 hours
6- Too much boredom is bad for the soul
7- Don’t waste your time waiting for something to change, when you know it never will
8- Learn from what time shows us really matters.
9- You know all those things you’ve always dreamed of doing? Work towards them now
10- I don’t wish to waste any more of your time
In whichever way you end up wasting your time, be sure to never let boredom become a smokescreen for a refusal to be your one true self. I don’t know about you, but I’m just relieved I didn’t waste anyone’s time on one too many terrible jokes.
Is the world really ready for those new ejaculating clocks?Lee Serpa Azeva-who?
I guess we’ll only know when the time comes
Originally published in Medium publication The Swipe, 14th June 2020.