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I was inspired to write this article following my own reading of Dr Childress’ latest blog entitled The Door of Empathy.

In this article of his, Childress explores the behaviour that an alienated child expresses when required simply to survive. In further understanding this, the targeted parent is more able to understand the importance of empathy and provide it for the child.

However, as Childress states:

“…not empathy for the pathology. The pathology is a delusion…instead…a resonant empathy for the authentic child alive beneath the pathology.  An empathy that draws forth this authentic child, because we, through our empathy, we see the authentic child – and the child sees their own self-authenticity reflected in our empathy.

(Childress, 2019)

Childress goes on to discuss the importance of emotional self-regulation for a targeted parent in displaying empathy for the deluded child.

It is this last point that prompted me to reflect on my numerous misadventures with the evil that is parental alienation over the last thirty months.

In particular, it prompted me to reflect on the unreasonable expectations placed on targeted parents by the various stakeholders and professionals within the family justice system.

Targeted parents start their navigation through the family justice system already at an incredibly disadvantaged position. In addition to this, they are expected to have and show the patience of a Saint, the virtues of Aristotle, the mental strength of a mighty warrior and the financial resources of a millionaire.

And what do the various professionals expect of the alienating parent, who holds all the cards? In my experience: very little. Below are some anecdotal examples of what several professionals have expected of the alienator and I – the targeted parent – over the last thirty months.

Cafcass identified in their very first Case Analysis that the other (resident) parent was identified as exposing the children to emotional harm:

“being of the utmost importance that this identification of such emotional harm is not allowed to let slide along as the children will continue to come to more emotional harm.”

(Cafcass, 2016)

It was in the following year that, despite claims to the contrary, Cafcass clearly allowed my case to slide along. So, I put in a complaint against them in regards to what I perceived as their mismanagement of my case, and failure to safeguard my children from emotional harm. The response to my complaint was a telephone call from a Cafcass Service Manager, which I fortunately managed to record. The manager informed me, in a somewhat blasé manner, that “it’s difficult to know what to do when the damage has already been done” [to the children]. A remarkable, yet open statement of incompetence. And yet, nothing came of my complaint.

My ongoing concerns were further exacerbated by the following alarming statement of fact from another member of management within Cafcass: “Yes, I agree, btg-dad, this system is flawed.” I was also fortunate enough to take an audio recording of this telephone conversation. I can only suggest the manager made a Freudian slip during the challenging questions I posed to him.

Several months later into the case I encountered a social worker employed by the local Children’s Services. When I made a statement that the long-term aim for my children was to co-parent on a 50/50 basis with the other parent, she assertively replied “that’s an unreasonable expectation.” I queried her arguably biased, dismissive response, only to be told, “that is how it is!”

A District Judge once ordered the other parent to present me in a positive light in the eyes of the children, with immediate effect. She has never done this and continues to disobey his direction. Despite being aware, the Judge has taken no further action.

The structure of the family justice system does not permit complaints against judges. I have wondered on numerous occasions of sending my story to the press, be it local or national. However, disclosing any details of the case would place me in contempt of court. Ironic, and tragic.

At the risk of appearing naive, one would expect higher morals of such professionals, particularly those who work in the family court.

How is it that so many professionals within a flawed system are allowed to make such reckless decisions regarding these vulnerable children that are dragged through courts?

The following statistics show clear evidence of the family justice system that continues to fail in its remit to provide the best outcome for children, post-separation:

  • 96% of all child arrangements order applications are made by fathers (University of Warwick, UK).
  • 97% of residencies are given to mothers (University of East Anglia, UK).
  • 50% of court orders are broken (University of East Anglia, UK).
  • Just 1.2% of applications for enforcement of court orders are successful (Ministry of Justice, UK).

My only attempt at an explanation for the way system currently works – or doesn’t work – is the proverb of the Three Wise Monkeys. The image and proverb used in Western culture to refer to a lack of moral responsibility on the part of people who refuse to observe standards of honesty or integrity. People that simply look the other way, or feign ignorance.

I have no other explanation for the complete lack of moral fibre these people have.

“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” Origin of proverb unknown.


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The following is an anonymous contribution from a very courageous alienated parent.

I have four children. Two daughters first, followed by two sons.

Our story began 19 years ago. At the time, my eldest child was 13, and the others were close in age, at just 12, 10 and 6.

I could write a whole chapter on how I was messed about, but that’s for another time. I think I was at the forefront of changes yet to take place. I suffered domestic violence, humiliation and all forms of mental coercion and abuse. This escalated to stalking, and even being held hostage. The police were called out on 27 occasions – by this time I felt mentally under siege. Advice was given by a solicitor, who informed me that it was not unreasonable for my husband to use violence against me as I was the adult seeking separation.

Fast–forward to my youngest child turning 8, where I no longer lived in the same residence. Although still attending school, it was noticed he was falling asleep in class, and was regularly wet, dishevelled and smelly. I attended all appointments wherever they were, and tried to take care of my children, even though the Cafcass centre had noted distinct coercion to ignore requests from me. I was heckled and verbally abused before, during and after attending the contact centre, and on many occasions in between meetings.

It was all affecting my ability to stay focused. I was crying for much longer and even the simplest things were becoming increasingly difficult. Even sleeping, and then trying to wake up, was a challenge.

I changed my solicitor and requested set times to be able to see each of my children. I was laughed at and told that my eldest was in a position to defy court action. To add to that, I was told nothing could be put in place for the three eldest children. My youngest was placed with me permanently on the grounds of neglect.

Even though I lived just a street from my ex–husband, he never asked about, or called to see our son. It got to a point where my son said he wanted to spend the weekends and part of each school holiday scheduled to be with his father halved because he didn’t want to miss being part of a family unit.

Things for the other children at the family home were dire, with no feeling of structure or function. They were upset and constantly fighting each other, frustrated with the lack of attention or responsibility from their father. I had to routinely step in to solve problems and support them, especially when they were left alone to fend for themselves by my ex-husband.

I was still struggling, mentally. I had started university but increasingly needed mental health support. When a position became available for me to attend a psychotherapy unit, I took advantage of the opportunity.

Things did not really improve in relation to contact with my children. Their father had maintained that he was not one to make his children do anything they didn’t want to. In my opinion, that was just a cop-out.

When my youngest reached 13, I asked my sons to accompany me on a house move some 250 miles away. My eldest boy was 16 at the time and, unbeknown to me, had not attended school for almost a year. How did I not know about this? His father had told the school that our son resided only with him and made himself the first contact. I have no understanding why the school didn’t follow this up and check.

I did move. My daughters were 20 and 18 and living at home with dad. I had totally forgotten to investigate school placements before moving and was told that the local school would not take on any more pupils. I didn’t know the area and was prepared to settle for the nearest possible school. However, both boys decided they wanted to return to what they knew, and so I had to let them to go back.

“It broke my heart.”

I saw my youngest in his holidays and at half–term, but never spent another holiday, half–term, Christmas or birthday with any of my other children again, despite my youngest saying he wanted to live with me once he left school.

Fast–forward to present day – my youngest became a father aged 21, and my eldest became a mother at 28. I have no contact with my youngest son or daughter, despite us being a close family. I feel there has been deliberate intent to keep me from being a family member. My eldest son is the only person in regular daily contact.

My children are now all in their twenties and thirties.

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Dear Reader,

Apologies for not writing for a while. As an alienated parent, debts still have to be paid, so I have been working towards this end.

I am writing today about a song that I have recently had to come to terms with. A couple of years ago while driving in my car, when she loved me, by Sarah McLachlan, came up on my playlist. Without thinking I sang along, and the usual lump came to my throat and I stopped singing for a second. My youngest daughter, who is used to my singing in the car, asked if I was alright. I said that I was and carried on.

It made me think about what had happened. For people that don’t know, the above mentioned song is the one played in Toy Story Two ,and referred to as Jessie’s song. It was written by Randy Newman, who writes amazing songs, and this was designed to tug at the heart strings. Unfortunately, when Randy sang it for Pixar Studios, it didn’t have the desired effect. Sarah McLachlan was asked to sing this and the rest is history.

I mention this because for some people the connection between the song and an alienated parent will jump into your mind, and not so for others.

WhenSheLovedMeToyStory2_CCASupport
© Pixar

Let me explain. In the film Toy Story Two, Jessie talks to Woody about why she doesn’t see her owner anymore

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
Lives within my heart

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
and when she was happy so was I
when she loved me

This talks about how loved and special she felt; for me it reminded me of the special relationship I had with my daughter, and how every day, every hour spent together lives within my heart.

Through the summer and the fall
we had each other that was all
Just she and I together
like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
and I knew that she loved me

This talks about the relationship Jessie had with her owner; the relationship I had with my daughter, was different to the one she had with her mother. Her mother had a child so that she didn’t feel left out by her friends. It meant that we talked about all sorts of things, we did all sorts of things, together.

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she’d say I will always love you

Lonely and…

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she’d look my way
And she smiled at me and held me
Just like she use to do
Like she loved me

When she loved me

This part refers to when Jessie is found by her owner after being forgotten under her bed for a while. For me this is the hardest part of the song. My relationship with my daughter has been hijacked by her mother; the person that didn’t really want to do anything with our daughter, now does everything and forces my daughter to make decisions based on emotional blackmail.

Her mother buys my daughter’s affection with things, rather than spend time with her. She has over time, convinced her that Daddy is bad, and that we should be angry at him.  For me, I have had to put up with all sorts of barriers and boundaries to spending time with my daughter. I have fought to keep phone contact, as this was all I was allowed. This has meant that as my daughter has started to grow, she has started to think for herself. I have never lied to my daughter, and have always told her everything, even if it doesn’t put me in a good light. I have been no angel and freely admit this, but this shouldn’t prevent me from being a part of my daughter’s life. Her mother is happy to take child maintenance from me, but would happily cut me from her life if she could.

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
when she loved me

This part speaks more to, me than anything. Dearest daughter, just to make you aware, this passage isn’t about how I need to be loved. It refers to the fact that I love you dearly, always have, always will.

It doesn’t matter to me what anyone says to me, the time we spend together will always live together in my heart. I hope and pray (and I am not even religious!!) that at some point our time together will mean as much to you as it does to me.

I will never stop trying to have a relationship with you, in whatever way, shape or form, you want. Know that I have never stopped loving you, despite what others may say, and this will never change.

I still listen to this song. Tears don’t roll down my face as they used to, but it does remind me of what I miss and what I hope to look forward to in the future.  “When she was happy, so was I. When she loved me “

 

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The word ethical derives from the Greek work ethos; meaning ‘moral character.’ Within the world that we live in most people, most members of society would agree that a moral character describes the characteristics of an individual whose overall behaviour is right in a moral sense; honest, fair and truthful.

In it’s simplest definition ethics are a system of moral principles. These moral principles influence how we make decisions and lead our lives.

Past philosophers have put forward the argument that ethics entirely influence the way people behave. They have argued that if an individual comes to the realisation that a potential behaviour or response is morally good, then it would irrational not to do so.

And then there is also the concept of moral ambiguity. Some individuals struggle with this concept as they may want there to be a simple and straightforward answer to ethical dilemmas or questions, but there may not be one. For those that struggle with moral ambiguity it may force these individuals to take ownership of their own behaviours and choices in the absence of simply falling back on conveniently placed customs or rules.

So this then brings me onto the topic of the institution that is the Family Court. This institution is defined as being a court of law that hears and makes legal decisions involving issues such as child custody and divorce.

As we know there are many services and institutions that ‘work’ alongside the family court. Services such are Cafcass here in the UK, CPS in the US and Children’s Social Services for example, to name just a few. These additional services are viewed by the Judge as their eyes and ears. These services should be gathering information, evidence from numerous sources and collating this ultimately into a portfolio of evidence from which the appointed Judge will be expected to make a legal decision on.

So moving onto a typical, genuine textbook case of severe parental alienation the following factors, dynamics will most probably be in place:

  • One parent (in most cases the resident parent, known as the targeting parent) will be denying contact between the children and the non-resident parent (known as the targeted parent).
  • The targeting parent will constantly denigrate the character of the targeted parent in the eyes of the children.
  • This denigration of character will also be underpinned with a false narrative of events being fed to the children by the targeting parent. For example a skewed account of the circumstances of separation, false allegations against the targeted parent etc.
  • In most severe cases the targeted parent’s family are also excluded from the lives of the children.
  • All of the above actions normally result in the alienating children unjustifiably completely and utterly rejecting the targeted parent.

Now in returning to the concept of right or wrong, here in the UK Cafcass CEO Anthony Douglas publicly states that parental alienation is recognised by his organisation as a form of abuse. Furthermore Douglas goes on to state that this form of abuse should be treated with the same severity as any other form of abuse. So in terms of ethics, so far so good!

In addition to the above statement from Douglas it is worth noting that in the same interview it is stated that according to Cafcass, parental alienation is responsible for around 80 per cent of the most difficult cases that come before the family courts. In my opinion, that figure coming from an organisation as inept and ineffective as Cafcass is more likely to be much higher.

Due to the nature of our campaign/support group we are privy, almost on a daily basis to overwhelming evidence of the continuing nature of biased, misinformed, prejudicial and evidence omitting reports that are being written by Cafcass Family Court Advisors (FCAs).

Now, lets imagine if  you will, that we live in a world where Cafcass FCAs do not write biased, misinformed, prejudicial and evidence omitting reports at all! I know it’s hard to imagine and that in the real world, such professional conduct from Cafcass FCAs is rare, but please bear with me.

So in this imaginary world we have fine upstanding Cafcass FCAs handing in well-balanced, well-informed and well-evidenced reports to the family judge in all cases of parental alienation.

Now at this point the judge will be informed by the FCAs that there is overwhelming evidence of alienating behaviours being exhibited by the targeted parent (as highlighted in bullet points above).

The judge will be informed that the children are being emotionally abused by the resident parent. The judge will also be informed that it is not in the children’s best interest to be denied a relationship with the targeted parent. There may well be a psychological assessment that informs the judge that there is little to no evidence of the abusive parent changing their approach.

Such scenarios have in most cases been returned to court numerous times already. This is due to the abusive parent having already breached numerous contact orders that would have lead to contact between the children and the targeted parent. So this is the evidence that the judge has before them.

At this incredibly pivotal point the judge is required to pass a judgement that will effect the future well-being, future mental health etc, of both the alienated children and the targeted parent.

Now lets return to the subject of human ethics. Lets imagine another scenario, we grab an honest, fair and truthful average person off the street and present them with the above moral dilemma.

Now would this average person see the above scenario for what it is? Would they see it as one parent emotionally abusing the effected children? Would they also see it as the targeting parent attempting to erase the targeted parent from the lives of the effected children? Would they see that there is no justifiable reason for these effected children to absolutely reject their other parent, who they had previously had had a loving and healthy relationship with? Would they see that a swift, robust, pro-active decision needed to be made in the best interests of the children. Would they see that the emotional abuse being inflicted on the children must stop. Would they see that these children need to be protected?

Perhaps you the readers could answer the above questions yourselves. Presented with the above ethical dilemma what would you do in the best interests of the children? Is it even a dilemma at all?

Or is the answer to all of the questions, obvious to any given person of ethical, moral character?

I myself am an alienated parent. I continue to battle to have a relationship with my children. I continue to navigate my way through a flawed judicial system. I get knocked down. But every single time I pick myself back up, I dust myself down and I carry on. I don’t carry on fighting for me. I carry on fighting on behalf of my children.

Please Note: We pledge to never make a profit or any other form of financial gain from any individuals affected by parental alienation.

We will gladly signpost individuals to true professionals within our wider network who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles; contact us for more details. 

We pledge to never request payment from such individuals, nor request a finder’s fee from these professionals for any referrals made.

The Peace Not Pas Team

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The following is an individual’s experience of growing up with parental alienation. We have changed the individuals’ names in the following post.

I never knew my mum. According to my dad and my two older brothers, she walked out on us all for another man when I was only three years of age.

I remember as a child my dad only ever talking about my mum occasionally. And even when he did it was in an incredibly negative way. And this narrative was backed up by my brothers.

“As a child I never questioned this.”

They also never referred to her as mum. They would only ever refer to her by her first name, Jackie. As a child I never questioned this.

I was told by my dad that ‘Jackie’ was an alcoholic, a drug user, a serial cheater and that she was someone that did not deserve to be called a mother.

“I never questioned this narrative. Why would I?”

I never questioned this narrative. Why would I? This story was also backed up by my older brothers who, according to my understanding at the time would have been old enough to at least have remembered Jackie.

Once again, according to my father, shortly after Jackie left us, he met a new woman who he claimed was everything that Jackie was not. Her name was Sandy. My dad encouraged me and my brothers to call her mum, which within a couple of months of Sandy’s arrival became quite natural to us all.

As I got older and naturally became more curious as to the exiting of Jackie from our lives, my dad would simply repeat the same narrative. He would not elaborate any further regarding Jackie’s abandonment of us. With my father’s same response with each inquiry I eventually stopped asking about Jackie. I simply resigned myself to the fact that my birth mother was simply a very horrible person. My dad made me feel that I should be grateful for Sandy being more of a mother to me than Jackie.

However as I entered my teens, there was a change of dynamics in the household. Although on reflection, perhaps it wasn’t so much a change of dynamics, but more a new awareness of the family dynamics that I had previously not been aware of. At around this period of time one of my older brothers had already moved out. My remaining brother started being very isolative within the family home.

Around this time my remaining brother began arguing regularly with my mum (Sandy) and dad. I remember these arguments making my dad be very hostile and domineering over my brother. I felt very intimidated by my dad’s aggressive behaviours during these arguments. I wished I had  had the courage to stand up for my brother. There was something very unfair about my dad’s overbearing demeanour towards my brother, who was actually the more sensitive of my two brothers. My dad appeared to turn into someone else during these arguments.

Within a year my remaining brother left the family home and moved in with a friend. I was then left living alone with my mum and dad. As much as my dad had always been somewhat of a drinker, at around this time he began drinking every day.

“I started to find his behaviours more and more domineering, controlling and intimidating.”

The relationship between my dad and Sandy steadily deteriorated. At it’s worst, they were literally arguing with each other every day. My dad also became very controlling of both Sandy and I. He would always want to know where I had been, even if I returned from a night out with friends, even just five minutes later than I said I would be home. I started to find his behaviours more and more domineering, controlling and intimidating.

After another couple of months I also moved out. I went and lived in a different part of the country and moved in with a good friend of mine named Georgie, who I had known from high school.

As much as we had been good friends at school, it didn’t take long for us to become best friends. We both had dead end jobs; however we didn’t care. We were both living life as we had never lived it before, freely.

There was one particular night I will never forget. We had come back to our grimy little apartment after a night of cocktails. As we did quite often after returning from a night out, we stayed up all night talking. However on this occasion Georgie started talking about my biological mother. At first I insisted she refer to her as Jackie. Which she respectfully did.

“Most of them were spineless bastards and didn’t have the balls to speak out.”

However she went on to say something that would prove to be a trigger for a number of life changing decisions. I will never forget what it was she told me “you do know that most of the people in our hometown knew what really happened between your mum and dad? But most of them were spineless bastards and didn’t have the balls to speak out.”

Initially, I didn’t quite comprehend what it was she was saying. It made no sense to me what Georgie was telling me.

Trusting Georgie as I did, I reluctantly agreed for her to elaborate on what she had just told.

Georgie then went on to tell me words to the effect of “so basically your dad was cheating on your mum for years with Sandy. No one dared say anything though cos everyone in town was pretty scared of your dad. They all knew what he was really like. They all knew that he chucked your mum out in the middle of the night and basically told her to fuck off! He threatened her. He said that if she did not disappear he would make her disappear. So she left, she was heartbroken, but left because she feared for her life. Your dad used to beat your mum up. Everyone knew that. Everyone knew what really happened except for you kids [my brothers and I].”

I remember replying to Georgie’s above statement with something along the lines of “what the fuck are you talking about?”

However we continued to discuss this subject through to the morning. We both retired to bed at about four or five in the morning. Apart from waking up the next day with an obvious hangover, I remember feeling incredibly confused, conflicted and for some reason unknown to me at the time, very afraid.

That day Georgie and I spent the whole day together. In a state of sobriety we went back over the conversation of the night before. I vividly remember Georgie constantly apologising for what she had said. But ultimately there was enough evidence, my trust in Georgie and ultimately my gut feeling that allowed me to believe that everything Georgie had told me was true.

On further inquiry from me Georgie disclosed to me that my biological mother’s sister lived on the outskirts of town.

Within a few days Georgie and I had contacted my aunt, who’s name was Jean, and we arranged to go and meet her.

Given my father’s negative accounts of my biological mother’s general disposition and approach to life, Jean was not what I expected at all.

Jean warmly welcomed us into her home. She had never married. She lived quite modestly. She had a stall in a local market and rescued dogs from shelters to keep her busy and motivated. She immediately struck me as someone that was incredibly kindhearted, open and honest.

We invariably got on to the subject of my mother. Jean talked about Jackie with such warmth and love. Jean told us that Jackie had somehow ended up getting in with the wrong crowd at school and ended up starting a relationship with the ringleader of that group of kids. This of course was my dad. Jean stated that she never liked my dad. However she somehow had the ability to articulate this without actually talking overtly negative about my dad. She managed to be honest and open about how she felt about my dad, but did it in a respectful manner.

We then got on to the subject of the circumstances that lead to Jackie leaving her husband and three children. With an unintentional devastating effect on me, Jean confirmed Georgie’s account of events.

“Your mum understandably never got over losing you kids.”

This invariably lead to me asking the following question, “so where is my mum now?” As I said this question out loud I became acutely aware that it had been years since I had felt comfortable referring to my real mum as mum.

Before answering my question Jean came and sat next to me and took my hand in hers. She then told me “your mum understandably never got over losing you kids. Even though she realised within a couple of years she had married the wrong person, you kids were everything to her. She loved you kids more than life itself. She was prepared to stay in an abusive relationship rather than be chucked out to the street and potentially never see you kids again. This was the life she had resigned herself to. However it all changed when Sandy arrived on the scene. Your dad, being the kind of person he was simply discarded your mum. She never got over it. She came to live with me for a couple of years and then that was it.” 

This then naturally lead to me asking the next question “what do you mean that was it?”

I felt a tightening of Jean’s grip on my hand before she answered my question. “Your mum lived with me for a couple of years. I supported her as best I could. However I was no substitute for her children. She had tried to fight for contact through the court, however she simply run out of money at some point. She was ill-advised by an attorney who was clearly more interested in taking her money than supporting her to have a relationship with her children. Your dad would have known she fought as much as she could to get to see you kids. However I would imagine he never informed you of this”

Jean then paused before continuing. “As if your mum was not going through enough, about two years after spending the last of her money on attorneys she was diagnosed with lung cancer.”

I sat there frozen in time. I was inconsolable at the realisation of the reality of my mother’s life and that of my own took hold of me. With an overwhelming amount of compassion and empathy Jean informed me that my mum was no longer with us.

Several hours later my aunt Jean handed me a bundle of letters written by my mum and addressed to me and my brothers. Maybe one day I will have the courage to share them in a forum such as this.

I would like to end my post with the following statement, “I may not have known what it was called at the time. I may not have known what was being inflicted upon my mum, my brother and myself by my very own father. However I now understand that many people label it as parental alienation. Whatever we decide to call it, it is abuse and destroys not only relationships, but ultimately lives.”

Please Note: We pledge to never make a profit or any other form of financial gain from any individuals affected by parental alienation.

We will gladly signpost individuals to true professionals within our wider network who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles; contact us for more details. 

We pledge to never request payment from such individuals, nor request a finder’s fee from these professionals for any referrals made.

The Peace Not Pas Team

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Continuing with our current theme of guest posts by former alienated children, the following is an individual’s experience of growing up with parental alienation. We have changed the individuals’ names in the following post.

I don’t know where to begin really. I guess like the telling of any story, one should start at the beginning.

I grew up in a one parent household. I was the youngest of two siblings. I can’t quite remember how young I was when I realised that my sister and I lived with just one parent, instead of two; like the majority of the community in our small village in North Wales.

I can’t really recall any memories of my father as a young child, prior to him leaving us. However I do recall very clear memories of how my mother and older sister felt about my father. They didn’t talk about him often, however on the rare occasions that they did, they would tell me how much of a bad person that he was, that he was a bad dad and that he did not deserve to have us in his lives. They also told me that he had decided to leave us one night unannounced.

And so I was brought up believing that my father had cruelly abandoned, not just my mother, but also both my sister and I.

“You are definitely better off without him”

As I entered my late pre-teens I became more aware of my one parent status within our close-knit community. I remember our neighbours and friends always providing moral and emotional support for my mother with comments such as “you do so well for a single mum,” “you are definitely better off without him,” “you are doing such an amazing job bringing up your two little girls after what he put you through.”

“All I hope is that I have done my best to protect them from what he did to me.”

I remember my mother replying to these numerous comments with replies such as “thank you so much, I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without your help,” “I try my best and all I want is the best for my two girls,” “all I hope is that I have done my best to protect them from what he did to me.”

As I entered my teens I became more aware of these comments and conversations between my mother and the family and friends around us in our village. I strongly believed, as did my older sister, that my dad, who we now referred to as Jack, had indeed left us all due to him having met another woman. My sister and I strongly believed for numerous years that our father had no longer wished to be either a husband to our mother or a father to either of us. It was this strongly held belief that would turn into hate. I hated my father for what he had done, not just to me, but also my mother and my sister.

This hatred made me doubt the intentions of most of the male figures that were coming into my life at the time, as my social circle grew and grew. I now realise that in my mid to late teens I was at my most mistrusting of men in general. I strongly believed that what had so easily happened to my mother could also so easily happen to me. It genuinely scared me. I simply did not want to go through what my absent father had put my loving mother through.

“I have always been there for you, you just don’t know it.”

One or two years later I went off to University, which took me away from home for the first time in my life. My confidence grew, however this mistrust of men always stayed in the forefront of my mind.

Approximately a year and a half after settling into University life I received a letter:

To my beautiful Hannah,

Whatever you have been told about me, whatever you may believe about me, please allow me to tell you the following.

I have never stopped thinking about you every single day. I have never stopped loving you every single day. The same goes for your sister Maria.

I have missed you both more than words can describe.

I would love to meet you. If you say no, I will respect your decision. 

However please remember this, I have always been there for you and Maria, you just don’t know it.

With all my love,

Dad

I was initially angry; really angry. Almost hateful.  My first thought was how dare you, after everything you put me, my mum and my sister through. Who do you think you are trying to worm your way back into my life?

A couple of days later I struck up the courage to confide in my best friend at the time Tara and showed her the letter. Her response was not at all what I expected. She went on to tell me a story of a family she once knew in her home town.

The story went that a single mum with two sons, was left deserted after her husband had left her and her two young children for another woman. The friends and family of this mum were horrified as her husband had been such a hands-on dad, always around, always at the school gates, always at children’s birthday parties etc. To the outside world this father had on the face of it appeared to be a loving and doting dad. However the mum’s friends and family were horrified at what they believed her husband had done. Tara explained to me that it later transpired that the mother had been lying.

“These two small boys ended up hating their dad for what they falsely believed he had done.”

The truth was that the dad had not left them all at all. The mother had thrown him out, having met another man. The mother denied her husband any contact with the children and effectively brainwashed the two boys against their dad. The result of this brainwashing was that these two small boys ended up hating their dad for what they falsely believed he had done.

Tara told me it was rumoured the father had spent the next couple of years attempting to see the children with no success. Tara did however know that the father took his own life approximately two or three years later after succumbing to depression and heartbreak. His two sons never knew the truth. They were left to grow believing their father had abandoned them.

Following this unexpected response from Tara I allowed myself to reflect on her story for several days.

The next time I met up with Tara we spoke at great length about the potential options open to me regarding how to respond to this letter from this man claiming to be my father.

Despite my conflict of emotions I was unable to shut myself away from the heartache, such as I had done as a child.

Words can’t describe how glad I am that several months later I decided to meet up with my dad.

“I now know I had no reason as a child, to hate my dear dad.”

In terms of the present day circumstances I now speak to or text my dad on a regular basis. We now have an amazing, loving relationship. He is also now a proud and loving grandfather to my own children.

I now know I had no reason as a child, to hate my dear dad. I was lied to as a child by my very own mother. My mother worked very hard in ensuring I missed many years with my dad. When the truth finally became apparent I initially hated my mother for what she had done to my dad. However, life is too short for hatred.

I guess the love I have for my mother is out of obligation and nothing else. I am unable to feel any emotional attachment to my mother now.

Regarding my sister, we have somewhat of a challenging relationship. My gut feeling is that even to this day she is still trying to come to terms with her ongoing conflict of emotions. But I will always be there for her, as my dad was always there for me.

As for my dad, I love him because he is and has always has been there for me, even when I didn’t realise it.

Please Note: We pledge to never make a profit or any other form of financial gain from any individuals affected by parental alienation.

We will gladly signpost individuals to true professionals within our wider network who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles; contact us for more details. 

We pledge to never request payment from such individuals, nor request a finder’s fee from these professionals for any referrals made.

The Peace Not Pas Team

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The following is an anonymous contribution from an alienated parent that approached us, wishing to share his experience of parental alienation. We have changed the individuals’ names in the following post.

I recently found out that I am not just John, a primary school teacher from Northern England. What it was that I recently found out was that I am also what is known as an alienated parent.

I will give a very brief synopsis of the circumstances leading up to me becoming an alienated parent.

Five years ago my marriage broke down. As is so often the case with separation following long relationships, we were both at fault. I have no issues with admitting that I made mistakes.

The divorce was incredibly acrimonious, adversarial, expensive and I was left hugely in debt. However in the grand scheme of things money is only money.

However I subsequently paid a much higher price for my acrimonious divorce than I could have ever imagined. The price I ultimately paid was the severing of my previously loving relationship with my two children, Josh aged 8 and Toby aged just 6.

Immediately after our separation my ex denied me and my whole side of the family any contact with my two sons. She also made numerous false allegations against me. Due to the allegations the Family Court did not permit me any contact with my sons until these accusations were disproved. Lo and behold four months later Cafcass, who by that time were involved, confirmed that their were no safeguarding issues regarding me and my children.

However by this time my ex had managed to effectively brainwashed my boys against me. My two loving sons were given a toxic and false version of events regarding our separation. They were told I had cheated on their mother, which I hadn’t. They were told I had left all of them and stolen the family savings, which of course I did not. They were also told toxic lies about their paternal and elderly grandparents.

Their mother, on numerous occasions has encouraged my loving boys to write to me; in what can only be described as in an extremely hateful manner to me. In these numerous letters my beautiful boys have told me they hate me. They have told me I am a really bad dad. They have also told me that I do not deserve to be their dad. They have also written to me saying that they do not want to see me anymore. In their last letter they wrote to tell me that they now have a new dad, who is so much better than me. They ended their letters by informing me that they now call their new dad, daddy.

The emotional pain such toxic messages of hatred inflicts on the heart of an alienated parent are beyond words.

I do not consider myself to be overly academic. However I consider myself to be a somewhat well-read and learned individual. As a primary school teacher I see on a daily basis the damage such emotionally abusive behaviours have on children.

The more I read about parental alienation in an attempt to understand the legal system, the remit of Cafcass and Children’s Social Services the more I am made aware of the complete and utter miscarriage of justice that is parental alienation.

I can no longer afford to legally pursue through the family court my children’s’ human rights to have a relationship with me their biological father.

Their mother has breached every single court order that either promotes or would result in contact between my children and I.

Children’s Social Services have come and gone. They do not recognise parental alienation as a form of abuse. Their findings were that all my ex and I have to do is work together! Cafcass have been involved since the very beginning. Their very own CEO tenuously states publicly that as an organisation they recognise parental alienation. However the Cafcass appointed Children’s Guardian does not feel it is in my boys’ best interest to continue to pursue contact as it runs the risk of causing more trauma to my two boys. This is despite Cafcass stating in numerous reports that “mother is exhibiting extreme alienating behaviours that will cause long term emotional harm to the children.”

All throughout my numerous telephone calls, meetings and court hearings with them I have asked Cafcass numerous questions. All of which were reasonable, proportionate and appropriate. All the questions related to my wish to understand why Cafcass are not protecting my children from harm. I am not a hot-headed man. I simply want to understand. However Cafcass have repeatedly been unable to give me sufficient answers to my questions.

So I would like to conclude this post with a question; “Cafcass, why do you not care?”

Please Note: We pledge to never make a profit or any other form of financial gain from any individuals affected by parental alienation.

We will gladly signpost individuals to true professionals within our wider network who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. Contact us for more details. 

We pledge to never request payment from such individuals, nor request a finder’s fee from these professionals for any referrals made.

The Peace Not Pas Team

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My divorce came after my wife made it clear to me that my function was that of a sperm donor. We wanted a second child, and after having sex once (scheduled by an Excel spreadsheet for her fertility) and not falling pregnant straight away, she insisted I have my sperm checked out and wouldn’t sleep with me anymore before knowing the results. She fell pregnant soon after and it became crystal clear that she had achieved her objective and I no longer mattered.

It took a while for the real meaning of that to settle in with me, but it did eventually. It ended up, so my lawyer tells me, one of the most conflicted, protracted and expensive divorces that took place in Australia in recent times.

“Little did I know that my ex had no intention of allowing her daughters a life that included their father.”

We have two daughters, my wife’s strategy was clearly laid out; she was on a mission to inflict as much damage on me as possible, financially and by using our children for revenge. And so the divorce took five years and a quarter of a million dollars in legal fees alone. I fought hard and was awarded joint custody, my daughters would spend around a third of the year with me, at least on paper. Every additional hour with my kids I negotiated cost me tens of thousands in lawyer fees. Little did I know that my ex had no intention of allowing her daughters a life that included their father.

As soon as the court matter was finished, she employed a new strategy: In all those years I have only found one term that properly describes her; pure evil. There would be zero cooperation in anything concerning the kids. Trying to arrange holidays? No chance, she would simply not reply to my emails. Arranging regular visitation times? My emails were left unanswered for months. She would respond one day before the next calendar period started and state that she disagrees with every single day I proposed and wants everything the other way around. No reasons given. No way I could plan anything.

When the kids were handed over to me, they would be dirty, smelly, with ingrown nails, inappropriate clothing (t-shirts and sandals in winter). If I’d say anything about it, they’d be more dirty and smelly the next time around. She would say she lost the kids’ passports a few days before I wanted to go on a holiday with them.  Asking for a drop-off one hour later than usual because of a special event – only possible if I get the lawyer involved. Not once, but every single time. She would make sure I couldn’t reach my kids on their birthdays and I haven’t seen or spoken to them on their special days for seven years. It became harder and harder.

“I had no idea what was coming my way.”

Things got so ugly that I came to the conclusion everything would get better if only I allow her to return to her home country of Switzerland (she said she wasn’t happy in Australia and I would block her from leaving). I would return to my native country of Germany with my new wife and our son. We would move to a city we have no friends or family, just to be close to the girls so I would be able to see them. We lived only two hours apart. I had no idea what was coming my way.

Back in Europe, my girls started turning against me so fast I couldn’t believe it. In the first few months they still visited more or less regularly. But they started cutting me out of their lives; they didn’t tell me anything about their lives. One of my daughters was almost constantly chatting with her mother on her iPhone when she was with me. If I said that I would like to spend time with her she would scream at me “stop shouting you bully.”  Any question I would ask, like “how is school?” would be treated like stalking or bullying them. They grew ever more distant. The mother became even more evil.

One day, I was supposed to pick the kids up behind the Swiss/German border, I was stuck in a traffic jam at the border, literally 200 metres away from my daughters. I texted my ex to tell her about the delay and that I would be there in 15 to 20 minutes. Her response was “if you are not here in 5 minutes you won’t see the kids.”

She sent me forged dentist bills and asked me to pay. These are just examples, basically every single action of hers was aimed at destroying my relationship with my daughters.

“I was simply cast away.”

Then around three years ago one of my daughters accused me of hitting her, completely out of the blue. It was a complete fabrication. Her sister was standing next to her when that happened. I couldn’t believe it when she refused to back me. I was lucky that my wife was also in the room, so there was no doubt that it never happened. But I have never seen this daughter of mine since. I tried over and over to repair things between us, but there was simply no cooperation or any goodwill at all. I wrote to their mother about the incident; no reply, as usual.

A few weeks ago, my same daughter wrote to me “you were born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen” that she wished I was dead and she called me a child molester. Once again I asked her big sister to show some spine. And once again she refused to have my back. Once again I contacted their mother. No response. I couldn’t believe how evil she was.

“I have to protect myself. It became too much to bear.”

For me, these years were traumatic. Now, after having suffered almost 10 years of abuse I have made the difficult  decision to cut my daughters out of my life, for now. I cannot stand the abuse anymore, I have a new wife and a son who need me and I have to protect myself. It became too much to bear.

I do not want to become depressive, I want to be a loving dad, and if they wont allow me to be that dad for them, then at least I can be a good dad for my son. The only way I can make sense of what happened is that they have been exposed to evil and raised by an evil person for so long that they have themselves become evil. I know that sounds really hard, but the way they treated me, my new wife and their own brother was so horrible that it seems the only word that properly describes their behaviour.

The ten years of aggressive parental alienation by their mother has damaged them and shaped them into becoming little clones of their mother. Full of hate and resentment, out to seek revenge for me “leaving them” without the rage ever abating, a total incapacity to reflect, to empathise, to say “sorry.” All actions dominated by spite, hate and lies. Lies everywhere about everything. They would move house without telling me where. They wouldn’t even send an email for birthdays, not even for their little brother. Presents I sent were left unacknowledged.

And so I ended up having to make this decision: I have to end my relationship with them, I cannot live a happy life with them being the way they are. Should they ever change, I am happy to accept them back, but I don’t have high hopes for that.

Where evil and malice is so entrenched over such a long time, I see little hope that these young women will ever develop the ability to empathise, to see things critically, to take a step back and reflect on what’s really gone on. I might be surprised, but for the moment all I can do is to stay sane and be there for my ‘new’ family; and I can only do that without constantly being exposed to malice, hate, abuse and manipulation.

I have loved my daughters through all of it, but being called a child molester by one and the other one refusing to step in and say a single word in my defence, it was too much for me. I have to move on, and if they can’t move on from a divorce that happened 11 years ago and for which they seem to hate me more with every day that passes, then I don’t see how I can help them.

Haters will be haters, the saying goes. At least I have removed myself, my son and my wife from the torrent of hatred, lies and malice of these people who I once called my family.

Life goes on. And who knows what the future holds.

I think it is important to draw a line, for the sake of the targeted parent’s emotional survival. I am so grateful I met my new wife and started a new family, I don’t even want to think of how things would be for me if I were alone in all of this horror.

Daniel, Dad of V and V

Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected, as is the case above.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

The Peace Not Pas Team

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I cannot recall how many meetings I have attended since my battle against parental alienation began back in the summer of 2016. Some meetings have had numerous so called ‘professionals’ in attendance and still little to nothing is gained. And then following such time wasting meetings, I have attended so called ‘follow up’ meetings, just to make sure no one knows what they are doing!

Yesterday I went to yet another meeting. However it was like no other meeting I have attended so far. It was a meeting with the only mental health worker currently involved in my case. I was supported in this meeting by my partner.

So what made this meeting so different? Please allow me to explain; unlike other so called professionals I have had numerous meetings with, the professional yesterday spoke to me with respect. This professional actively listened to me. They validated what I told them. They did not interrupt me. They empathised with me. They wrote down notes of pertinent points, issues and concerns I was making. In summary they gave my partner and I the impression that they genuinely want to help us.

As I write this I am suddenly aware that I am commending a professional for behaving and conducting themselves in a caring, compassionate and ultimately professional manner. I am ultimately commending them for doing what they should be doing!

“Most professionals involved in cases of parental alienation are arrogant, uncaring and lack any sense of empathy or compassion.”

However, as anyone affected by parental alienation will know, most professionals involved in such cases are not like the one I discussed above. In terms of interpersonal skills, anecdotally most professionals involved in cases of parental alienation are arrogant, uncaring and lack any sense of empathy or compassion. In terms of professional competence, once again, anecdotally the majority of them appear to be ill-informed, judgemental and not willing to have their opinions or findings challenged.

So in returning to the subject of yesterday’s meeting, at some point I was asked the following question, “so what kinds of activities did you used to do with your children, how did you used to play with them?”

Since I have been battling against parental alienation, not one single professional involved has asked me such a question. Truly unbelievable.

“Such memories are locked away for safekeeping in the back of my mind.”

For the next ten to fifteen minutes I talked about all three of my children. I spoke about the nicknames I used to call them. I talked about the activities I used to do with them. I also explained how I used to play with each of them. I could have so easily have broken down yesterday during this part of the meeting, but I did not. Maybe I should have, who knows.

Up until yesterday I had not talked to anyone about my children at such length and in such detail; not since becoming alienated from my children. Such memories are locked away for safekeeping in the back of my mind.

In scientific terms, these memories, up until yesterday were probably consciously or subconsciously exiled to the deepest, darkest parts of my limbic system; the part of the brain responsible for memories. Although they are positive memories, once again, anyone affected by parental alienation will understand the need to detach oneself from such memories and feelings. Does thinking about your children less, mean you love them less? Of course not. It is simply a coping mechanism.

I went straight from that meeting to work. Due to the chaotic and busy nature of my job I did not have time to process or reflect on my lengthy discussion about my children.

However the minute I left work, it hit me like a brick wall. It was as if the memories of my children that I had verbalised, had metaphorically left the limbic system and were now in the front of my mind. The frontal lobe part of my brain that was now attempting to make sense of what felt like to me an emotional outpouring earlier on in the day.

For the rest of the evening these memories, thoughts and feelings of my children remained very much on my mind for the whole evening.

Those memories, thoughts and feelings are still with me now as I am writing this. I do not want them to go away. I just want them once again locked away for safe-keeping.

Dr Seuss once wrote “sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” 

btg dad

Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

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“It’s his story yes. But it’s being told so others will continue to fight. It’s to raise awareness about Parental Alienation. You and many other fathers have said the exact same words “…I was there.” This is NOT okay. I watched a great man be torn apart. I watched everyone turn their backs on him including the legal system. For what? His daughter to be raised in a hostile, emotionally unstable and abusive home while he suffered at their mercy. It’s unjust. This story is to save another man, another father. It is 100% truthful. It helps me sleep at night knowing he didn’t die for nothing. He was very compassionate and a truly kindhearted, genuine man. He did not deserve this cruelty. No human being deserves to feel worthless”

[Written by the anonymous contributor of this story.]

“Living without your children is the closest thing you get to hell on Earth”

The Story

Four years ago I met my partner wounded and broken by his ex-girlfriend who he had a young baby with. She falsely accused him of assault and had a restraining order issued against him. She was abusive, both mentally and physically and he was fearful of her violent outbursts and psychotic episodes. She is narcissistic and used their daughter as a pawn to get what she wanted, not caring what damage was done in the process.

She harassed my partner and I endlessly with false accusations, bullshit lawsuits, and tens of thousands of incessant text messages for years. I watched how stressed he would get from the copious amounts of texts and emails consuming his life daily. He tried to ignore them, but couldn’t. They wouldn’t stop, no matter how many times he voiced his personal boundaries and space.

“He spent every last penny he had fighting through lawyers and court.”

He tried to rise above her mental insanity and attempted to co-parent respectfully. He stood up and stood down trying to cope with her unrealistic demands for the sake of their child. He spent every last penny he had fighting through lawyers and court because mediation and old school “sit down and talk it out” was out of the question. He lived in constant fear of the next legal document waiting to be served; awaiting the next hurdle he would have to jump through to protect himself and his daughter. The anxiety that followed, as well as the constant and unsubstantiated worry that caused significant distress and interfered with his daily life.

GreatManGreatFather1_PeaceNotPas

Even though she was a narcissist and abusive, he was never given the rights he deserved. He fought for custody in court and was granted weekend visitations and then ten days a month, a right his ex-girlfriend did not honour. She would play games and make EVERY single child exchange extremely difficult and toxic, exposing their child to undue stress, blaming him in the process. It broke my heart to see him fall apart after child exchanges. He would come home exhausted, completely defeated, and broken. He felt manipulated, and worthless. It was really hard to watch that happen over and over to someone you love.

When life was going smoothly and everyone was happy, she would create drama out of thin air. She would invent completely fictional scenarios tainting him as the “deadbeat father” stereotype to try and make him and those around him believe her lies. When she couldn’t control him, she would control how others saw him, intentionally turning friends and family against him. I saw the shame he felt at the grocery store or the swimming pool. I watched him avoid social situations in fear of being judged, embarrassed or humiliated and I saw the insecurities that followed.

“Mentally exhausted, not only was he in dire need of sleep, but in dire need of peace.”

I watched over the years as his sense of self slowly eroded from the verbal abuse, the threats, the bullying and the relentless criticism. I watched as this slowly consumed him. He tried to be happy on the outside, tried to enjoy life, but the damage was detrimental and his confidence and self-esteem became weaker and weaker every time there was contact with her. From a happy morning at the house to a pick up to get his daughter that afternoon, the affects in one hour’s contact, were disparaging. Every year, it got worse. The tension this had on our relationship, the stress that invaded our personal lives, the damage it was doing psychologically was all too real. The darkness was taking over. He was tired. I was tired. Mentally exhausted, not only was he in dire need of sleep, but in dire need of peace.

Parental Alienation

This is the story of a father who was alienated.  To those reading who think parental alienation only means “never seeing the child” you are partially correct, but there is more. The term also involves the “psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or family members. It is a distinctive form of psychological abuse and family violence, directed at both the child and the rejected parent and/or family members.” Usually, this is the result of a parent wishing to exclude another parent from the life of a child or an attempt to punish the parent for personal reasons. In the court of law, this is child abuse. Parental alienation is a set of strategies that parents use to undermine and interfere with the child’s relationship with the other parent.  There are numerous ways a parent can alienate a child from the other parent.

“The alienating parent was determined to blame him and make him suffer for her own emotional instability without concern for how it impacted the child involved.”

In this situation, impeding with visitation, despite orders was a primary cause of alienation, but most significant and most damaging was the consistently denigrating the other parent in front of anyone who would listen, including their daughter. Anger, verbal and/or physical abuse against the targeted parent was experienced in front of the child or third party on more than one occasion. Assertions of hate and vengeance were constant as the alienating parent created scenes at every opportunity to either upset the child and/or make the child feel guilty during child exchanges. The alienating parent was determined to blame him and make him suffer for her own emotional instability without concern for how it impacted the child involved. Using constant accusations, crying to the child about how the father ruined their family, painting him as the bad parent who took away their happy home was not beneath the alienating tactics used to belittle and control. These alienating strategies knew no boundaries and showed no concern for the emotional well-being of the child, who was forced to take sides. 

Threats to take away the child were relentless unless demands were met to suit the mother. Luxurious personal purchases were commonplace while she overlooked the child’s essentials and accused the other parent for her “financial hardship.” She continuously demanded more child support to support her spending. Her rude, nasty and controlling behavior was continuous as she attempted to control his parenting, dictating what he could and could not do with his child on his specific days. When it was his time with the child, he would be harassed by incessant amounts of phone calls and texts with insignificant issues and drama that impeded his quality time with his daughter. She would also demand FaceTime regularly, something which he was always denied, and she would ask the daughter if she was okay, and show concern about her being in her father’s care in an attempt to cause distress in the child.  If he missed a call or a text she would punish him by taking away from his parenting time for the next visit. 

Parental Alienation – The Aftermath

Parental alienation is extremely damaging to the children involved; this is why it is considered child abuse. There are numerous articles and publications outlining the psychological damages, also known as Parental Alienation Syndrome. The degree of damage on the child’s psyche varies with the severity of the alienation and with the child’s temperament and circumstance. However, all children are affected by parental alienation on some level.

“The defamation of character and the slander can have severe impacts on a person’s reputation, career and life.”

Let’s look deeper into the parent who is being alienated. Does society recognize the emotional destruction and psychological trauma experienced by the parent who is alienated? The constant belittling, demoralizing and degrading remarks, the endless high conflict arguments, the verbal and/or physical abuse, the lies, the deceit, and the corruption are all part of the tool kit used by the alienator seeking control. The defamation of character and the slander can have severe impacts on a person’s reputation, career and life. The financial struggles that result from the copious legal fees fighting for custody in court cause further damage. These are some examples of the mental abuse the alienated parent must endure if they are to have any chance at seeing their children. These strategies are most commonly used by the alienator to intimidate the alienated parent in an effort to ensure that they not only fail in their role as a parent but to also ensure that they are rejected by their children as well.

Sadly, there are even more severe and undermining tactics used by the alienator, these include false allegations of mental, physical and/or sexual abuse towards themselves or their children.  The alienated parent is accused of a crime they did not commit, suffering severe psychological damage while having to defend their innocence. Even if evidence is in the alienated parent’s favor, the charges are dropped, or they have been able to prove they are not guilty, they are still viewed by the public and/or courts as untrustworthy and left under scrutiny inflicting an overwhelming sense of helplessness. This tactic is used by the alienator to look like a victim, while in reality they are the perpetrator, seeking to gain control of the situation. In many cases, there are no witnesses, which means it is one parent’s word against the other. This is a very dangerous and illegal tactic that can cause irreversible damage to the mental health of the alienated parent and the children involved.

“Essentially grieving for a child who is still alive.”

While the alienated parent is repeatedly tormented and wrongfully accused by the alienator, they are also, in most cases, not in contact with their children. This in itself has a significant effect on the alienated parent’s well-being. Essentially grieving for a child who is still alive. They say that when your child dies before you, a piece of you dies with them. I think this is very relevant to a parent who is forced out of their child’s life. This is a pain so deep, yet it can be completely avoided, if not for the vengeful parent seeking to destroy and alienate.

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Many alienators prey on the love the alienated parent has for their children. The alienating parent selfishly exploits this deep love and because they are willing to exploit their children, they always have the upper hand.

Suicide

Suicide is the act of causing one’s own death. This is a topic that is uncomfortable for most people to discuss and as such is commonly avoided. I myself hadn’t given it much thought before it changed my life. Risk factors of suicide include many prolonged mental health disorders but it can also be an impulsive act resulting from too much stress due to stressors such as financial struggles, broken or unhealthy relationships, and excessive bullying. I believe the cause of this suicide was years of relentless mental abuse, and an unwillingness to respect boundaries in regards to co-parenting and disregarding the father’s and the child’s wellbeing.  Over time this caused extreme stress, anxiety, and depression. I believe this was what caused the suicide of an otherwise vibrant and exultant man. Everything about this story is tragic. A life was lost due to vengeance, and now a child will grow up without her father.

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Unfortunately, this has become a common thought process in many alienated parents’ lives. Some fight through these suicidal thoughts, others consumed by pain, are not so fortunate. These types of suicides can usually be avoided. This was a man so abused, so broken, so victimized that he thought suicide was his only option. He was intentionally made to feel worthless, helpless and hopeless. He sacrificed for years, suffering as he fought to be part of his daughter’s life, forced to fail every single time. This is unjust. No parent should have to sacrifice their life fighting for what is rightfully theirs.

In loving memory of PKP,  May 24th, 1983 – July 1st, 2017

Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected, as is the case above.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The CCA Support Team