Parental Alienation, Good Versus Evil

In my experience of battling parental alienation thus far I have come to realise the following: It is generally not recognised by the judicial system, dismissed by so called professionals, and underestimated even when recognised and documented as minimally as possible with phrases such as “exhibits alienating behaviours.” It appears to only be known by those affected by it.

So we have a set of behaviours that result in both short and long-term emotional damage of alienated children. But tragically no Government institution in the UK officially recognises and manages parental alienation effectively. For those readers that may not be familiar with the term parental alienation, please see here for a detailed definition.

However for those of us that are targeted parents, it is real. It is something we live with every day. As a parent, there is no worse emotional pain than being denied contact with your very own children. Severe parental alienation involves the alienating parent brainwashing the children into ultimately destroying any previously loving relationship between the children and the targeted parent. The emotional pain for the targeted parent is often described as grieving for children that are still alive.

“In most cases personality disorders are at the core of severe parental alienation.”

So I guess, in line with the title of this article we arrive at the following question. What drives the targeting parent to behave in such an abhorrent way towards, not just the ex-partner, but also their very own children.

The available research and evidence on parental alienation identifies that in most cases personality disorders are at the core of severe parental alienation. And herein lies the issue on non-recognition by numerous Western governments. The Family Court and social workers dismiss parental alienation because they all too often view it as a child custody issue as opposed to a child protection issue. In addition to this, neither of these professional fields have any understanding of mental health. And as such will be unfamiliar with the mental health concept of personality disorders. For example, early on in my own case my Cafcass social worker advised me “trust me, I’ve been doing this job for years, your ex will cool down, and in a couple of weeks she will come around to the idea of letting you see the kids.” That was the in the summer of 2016. To this day I am still pursuing contact with my children through the courts. My ex has not changed her approach. She continues to breach any Court Orders that promote or would result in contact between my children and I.

Due to the nature of divorce, particularly where children are involved, very few are free from anger, conflict and hostility. And all too often with parental alienation, it is not until separation that the targeting parent’s personality traits are fully revealed. To the extent that the behaviour being exhibited is vengeful, malevolent, dangerous and abusive.

So what are personality disorders? They are conditions whereby an individual will significantly differ from an average person. This is particularly in terms of how they feel, perceive, think and ultimately relate to others. Symptoms or negative behaviours are known to worsen in stressful situations. The British NHS states that “there is no single approach that suits everyone and treatment should be tailored to the individual.” This evidence based statement is clearly not considered by the ‘one size fits all approach’ provided by Cafcass. The futile and misinformed approach from Cafcass is to send both the targeted and targeting parent on co-parenting courses with the intention of modifying behaviours. However in cases of severe parental alienation that involve the targeting parent potentially presenting with personality disorder traits, such interventions will have no effect  on the alienator.

The following types of personality disorders are most prevalent in terms of the alienating parent in cases of severe parental alienation:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder will present itself as an individual exhibiting grandiose beliefs about themselves, regardless of whether they are real or imagined. The narcissist is completely lacking in empathy for others. And is normally totally consumed with self-gratification. Available research suggests that this type of personality disorder is most common in terms of the alienating parent of severe parental alienation.

Sociopathic Personality Disorder generally presents itself as a flagrant  disregard for the rights and needs of others. In terms of parental alienation, this will normally present as the targeting parent brainwashing a child/children against the targeted parent, therefore engaging in psychopathic behaviour.

Psychopathic Personality Disorder in terms of the personal traits can be quite similar that of a sociopath. However where sociopaths appear more normal, psychopaths are believed to be born with behavioural differences such as impulsiveness and under-arousal. Such characteristics can result in a lack of fear, resulting in risk behaviours and a lack of recognition or understanding of social norms.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is often referred to, within psychiatry as psychopathy or sociopathy.  Individuals with this disorder tend to have a complete lack of empathy and exhibit contempt for others’ sufferings, rights and feelings. In most cases they present as arrogant. They also have a tendency to believe productive work is beneath them. They are also known to be highly opinionated.

Borderline Personality Disorder normally presents with very impulsive behaviours. A distinctive trait is repeating pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships. Individuals affected by this disorder tend to fluctuate between opposite and polar feelings and behaviours. In terms of parental alienation, it is typical for the targeting parent to become consumed with the manipulation of others. While at the same time taking measures to protect themselves against any threats against them, whether real or imagined.

GoodVEvil1.jpeg

So if we’ve explored what makes an alienating parent, it is only fair we look at what makes a targeted parent.

“The experience of being removed as a loving parent strikes at the heart of any loving parent.”

Targeted parents will be subjected to shame and stigma usually due to the character assassination implemented by the targeting parent and their enablers. The alienated parent normally has allegations of emotional, physical and sexual abuse made against them by the targeting parent. This is done to kickstart a safeguarding referral that invariably results in court ordered non-contact, while the allegations are investigated. However for the targeting parent this provides time for initial alienating behaviours on the children. It is worth noting that such allegations are virtually always disproved (Baker, 2005).

The experience of being removed as a loving parent from the life of one’s child due to a court order based on false allegations strikes at the heart of any loving parent. Statistically suicide rates are reported to be of epidemic proportions among parents going through such circumstances. This is of particular concern for fathers, who struggle to fight for a loving relationship with their children (Kposowa, 2000; Kposowa, 2003).

Parental alienation is arguably not a gender specific issue. However due to socio-economic reasons and a cultural and professional biased towards parental stereotyping, statistically (in the UK) most alienated parents are non-residential fathers. This in itself creates a separate issue. Research informs us of an alienated father’s most pressing need; their justifiable need to be involved with their children’s lives, remains unrecognised and unsupported across the professional field. The expectation and patterns of traditional gender-role socialisation creates a barrier in which fathers are not expected to acknowledge personal difficulties and request help. A pattern that all too often repeats itself across the field of men’s mental health. Even respectfully disregarding the suicide rates, such alienation all too often leads to the alienated parent giving up the fight for contact with their children (Lowenstein, 2007). This point is explored in more depth in an earlier post of mine Can there ever be any excuse for parental alienation?

“I had stumbled across an online community with an indescribable outpouring of support, advice and compassion for one another.”

From my own experience as an alienated parent and having sought out specific support, my conclusion is that there is neither support or recognition from any formal or government sanctioned services for alienated parents. So at this point I looked online for support and advice. And what I found was astounding. I stumbled across an incalculable number of alienated parents across the developed world passionately campaigning, advocating and pleading online for some kind of social change that will effectively challenge the abuse that is parental alienation. This was an online world I never existed. This is explored further in an earlier article of mine The Awe-inspiring Online Community of Parental Alienation.

Ultimately I had stumbled across an online community with an indescribable outpouring of support, advice and compassion for one another. This in turn provided me with an invaluable insight into what makes an alienated parent. The support, sharing of advice and overall feeling of camaraderie is astounding.

From my own engagement with other alienated parents, both on and off line I have realised the following. What makes an alienated parent is compassion, strength, resilience, empathy and ultimately support for one another. However in battling parental alienation, particularly when severe, both sides are just as determined as one another, but ultimately for different reasons. One for good and one for bad.

Mahatma Gandhi once said “when I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it, always.”

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

The Peace Not Pas Team

14 thoughts on “Parental Alienation, Good Versus Evil

  1. Reblogged this on | truthaholics and commented:
    Mahatma Gandhi once said “when I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it, always.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know here in the States, we can take a deputy to the house with the court papers and pick the children up. Can you do that? Have you tried that? And, yeah! Bullc*** on the ex will cool down. Geez! With all of the alienation taking place today, one would think that the courts would smarten up a little. I sometimes wonder just exactly what it would take to open their eyes. I hate to admit it, but I would seriously consider kidnapping and going underground. I say this, after having suffered through 20+ years of alienation. I wake up on some mornings and it takes me a minute to orient myself and to remember that I can’t call my children (now adults) today and chat. I will never see or hold or know my grandchildren. I will never hold and hug my own daughters again. I describe it as a funeral every day. That little piece of time before becoming fully awake is bliss, then reality hits and you have to think of a reason to crawl out of bed and focus on the day. I love when people say, “It will get better.” Really?! When? After 22 years? After 23 years? I am then tempted to say, “Crawl back into your hole.” I’m tired of the emptiness. I’m tired of the loneliness. I’m tired of my heart hurting. I am going to repost to my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My heart goes out to you, it really does. The nature of alienation as you and i know results in our children being groomed into being scared od us parents. So my ex has done this to our children, so i cant even approach them in the street and say hi simply because she sees nothing wrong in making a child scared of the other parent. That’s the work of someone with a personality disorder. No normal loving parent would do that to a child, never.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ok in short when couples sprite up and heading toward divorce, it is the court rules out for alienating behaviours to council, police, workplace, and communities toward individuals an all types of high degree of distance from society and social isolation from everyone and discontent from family roots and friends, to make you feel loneliness, hopeless, try to make you feel have mental illness and demoralise. You will experience physical assault, abuse, bullying, ignoring, misbehaving and over charging, delaying or will not book appointments, mistreatment in hospital and practice surgery, medical discrimination, workplace make polices rules out to treat you bad, breaking things to make it look like you did this and other sort of cultural behaviours from staffs. Wherever you go they will following you and without you been noticed. Whenever you around near people you will see they will move always from your side as if you done something very bad, when you go to shopping you will see more of behaviours there. when you use transportation they will not come on time or delayed or your bus number will not come, police will trespass to you property, following you time to time, workplace they will make you feel difficulty to approaching with working staff or keep staffs away from you meaning isolation, restricted resources / information, braking thing, use your ID to entre other areas when they have their ID with them but will say they don’t have it with them, abuse and bullying behaviour make you do more work than others as a punishment, due to this you find heard to follow the orders. your smart phone will be monitored and by network provider.it can affect not just in u.k and does reach out to over-sea like if you or family has land or property will be forcefully occupied by your family root members to make you spend your money fighting in the court back home, so that you can’t run your divorce case or make your life a hall. There more to says the list of thinks i can go on and on. The saddest thing is when some mans are really victims of domestic violence police or the court don’t believe, that’s because the way social worker create report in favour toward woman but not fully looking into both. I do believe that government do discriminate the genders.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.