The Funny Side of Being a Vegan

How to be a vegan without selling your soul to seitan

My partner is always sending me to the supermarket to mini-shop for fruit and vegetables. If cucumbers are on the list I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t figure out I’m a vegan.

I once told a colleague that people who sell meat are disgusting. He replied by saying those who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer. Such a stance can give us vegans a lot of bad press. You must have heard the following jokes:

How do you know someone is vegan? They tell you.

What’s the toughest part of being a vegan? Apparently keeping it to yourself.

I am actually an exception to the rule when it comes to vegans. I am a vegan and I have a sense of humour.

At work, I openly encourage my colleagues to poke fun at me for being a vegan. It creates conversation. A conversation that would otherwise not take place. And all it takes is a bit of self-deprecating humour. Which as we all don’t know, is good for us.

Unsurprisingly, many of my friends are fellow vegans. All from different walks of life. One of these friends is a devout Muslim. He tends not to talk about veganism. He doesn’t Ramadan your throat as much as other vegans do. I have another friend who currently lives in Berlin. He says where he lives is the wurst city for vegans. Another friend is epileptic. Which sadly has a detrimental effect on her life. But she does an amazing seizure salad. And last week, a close friend of mine came out of the vegan closet. He now openly identifies as humusexual.

An old friend of mine used to work in a slaughterhouse. His opinions on veganism were offal. He had a mink coat. I once asked him, “is that fur real?” He was forever telling me vulgar jokes about his love of meat. You’d never heard sausage thing. He was as tasteless as tofu.

Staying on the subject of tasteless remarks, my ex-wife once walked into a butcher’s shop. She said to the butcher, “I’d like that pig’s head over there.” To which the butcher replied, “I’m sorry to tell you ma’am, but that’s a mirror.” Now how would you feel if you were a pig and someone had referred to you in such a manner?

Living as a vegan isn’t difficult. A vegan lifestyle is beneficial for all.

A vegan, cyclist and climate change enthusiast walk into a bar. Everyone else leaves.

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