The Funny Thing About Love

In life, there are three things that I love the most. Eating my family and not using commas.

Love is one of life’s great mysteries. It is perceived by many as an emotion. But, in scientific terms love is viewed as a ‘drive.’

According to scientific terminology, a ‘drive’ focuses our behaviours on a goal. And this drive lasts until we have fulfilled that goal. Much like our innately primeval need to seek out food, love is a drive.

The recipient of our love becomes a goal in our life. Many of us will go through many emotions while trying to form a loving attachment with someone. When I was a little boy I had a crush on one of my teachers. I’d heard she was dating a doctor. So I used to take her an apple every day.

Later on in childhood, I still didn’t understand love. One day I was heartbroken to find my first love, in bed with my own father. “We’ve been through this,” my mum told me.

Love can be heartbreaking. A writer friend of mine, Sarah, was recently dumped by her boyfriend, a dyslexic LGBT advocate. He couldn’t stand her love of homophones. “Their, there they’re,” I said to her, as I gave her a shoulder to cry on.

Love can be dangerous. Sarah’s had a bad year. Until recently she was being constantly spied on by a girl who claimed she was madly in love with her. Sarah was so relieved when this girl was convicted of lesbionage. Sarah isn’t the sharpest tool in the box. She had to ask what lesbionage actually is. She never did get a straight answer.

Love can be complex. I have a cousin who’s bisexual and very smart. But he is unable to find a partner despite trying for years. He demands his friends call him an incelligent bi-yourself. I call him an idiot.

Love can be confusing. I have a friend named Len. Len’s a photographer. He’s also got mental health issues and is currently struggling with his sexual identity. Len’s currently identifying as bi-polaroid. I do worry about Len, particularly when his mental health deteriorates. Whenever he gets depressed he tells me he wants to become a self-portrait photographer. I worry he might shoot himself.

Love can be embarrassing. I have a friend named Clark. He loves Star Wars. He tries to pick up girls at Star Wars conventions. I have tried telling him he’s looking for love in Alderaan places. But he refuses to listen to me. He blames his love on his erratic and maladaptive attempts to find love. I have told him, “metaphors be with you, but if you don’t stop making all these Wookie mistakes, you will forever spend Valentines Solo.”

We can also love our jobs. I was in a taxi yesterday and the driver said, “I love my job. I get to be my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.” Then I said, “turn left here.” He said he also loves his job because it allows him to go that extra mile for his customers.

So what have we learnt about the funny thing about love? A good romance starts with a foundation of mutual love and respect. A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma, gaga ooh la-la.

Originally published in The Haven, 31st October 2019.

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