Pity those who live without lager”
Please note, I am not one of those writers that purposely makes Harry Potter references. Nor am I the type of writer to use malapropisms for comedic effect, but I will admit to being a bit of a hippocriff sometimes.
Please be sure to put your wand away before entering my story.
This morning, while waiting for the bus, I got talking to a Millenial. IRL. I know, I was shocked too!
We got talking about the social issues facing our global community. TIL a lot about Millenials.
The dude’s name was Harry. During the course of the conversation, Harry referred to me as old. LOL.
I told Harry I didn’t give a shit about being called old. Despite this, he felt the need to constantly apologise to me. An hour later, I’m still waiting for the bus, and Harry’s still relentlessly saying sorry to me. I texted work, telling them I would be late, but that I was OMW.
My mind had long since wandered. I was imagining getting to work and doing as little as possible. In my line of work, (FYI, I’m a psychiatric nurse), the only way to do it, is to sit and talk to patients without your ID badge on. If you look anything like me, people will easily believe you’re a psychiatric patient. No one ever says WYD. Well, certainly not the patient with elective mutism and delusions of being a giant M&M.
I heard someone say “…and that’s why I’m scared of creepy crawlies.” Like some kind of weird TBT, I thought I was back in the 80s, as a child, being looked after by my Irish step-uncle, Pete O’Fyle. Uncle Pete was such a creep. He was also disabled. He never touched me, he was just a bit creepy crawly.
I heard someone crying. It was Harry, he was shaking. “The thought of such horror exacerbates my IBS,” said Harry. I suddenly realized he’s NSFW in this current state. ICYMI, Harry works in a wand-making factory. According to rumor, Harry is quite the wand polisher, but he doesn’t think so. TBH, I think he’s just in daniel.
“Why are you so upset Harry? IDC about being called old. I have an older brother called Gary. He’s a whopping 12 years older than me! If anyone’s going to be called Oldman, my brother, Gary is,” says I. It took me a while to realise that Harry just wasn’t taking me Siriusly.
“There is despair everywhere I look,” exclaimed Harry.
Right, I thought to myself, I’ll take the bull by the horns. Or as they are rumoured to say in the corridors of Hogwarts, take McGonagall over the mantlepiece. “Harry,” I said, “this negative worldview of yours is grangerous. IMHO, I think you’re always jumping to the ron conclusion. Harry, answer me this please. Out of ten, how would you rate your current mood?”
“4 and three quarters,” answered Harry, somewhat solemnly.
“Harry, give me an example of this despair you claim is all around you.”
“Okay,” he said, “I went to my local library. I asked if they had a book on IBS. Somebody had ripped out the appendix. It made me feel so empty,” said Harry.
“But Harry, see that as a positive, not a negative. The bursting of the appendix of that book was a gut feeling that saved its life,” said I. “BTW Harry, what was the name of that book?
“I think it was Readers Digest,” said Harry.
“Hey, listen, dude, I bet you’re a vegan, right?” I asked.
“Yeah,” said Harry, “now I only speak parsleytongue.”
“Cool. I commend you, my friend. You are doing your bit for a better world. But look at the beauty around you, before it disappears FR.”
OMG, I thought. Could it really be as simple as Millenials being too JOMO and previous generations being too FOMO? TBH, RN it’s NBD, BC FWIW, IDC. JK, IDC.
To remain inclusive of those younger individuals that prefer acronyms, the following index is known as the ‘Millennial Index of Language Framework.’
[The aim of the ‘Millennial Index of Language Framework’ is to be to this story, what ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ is to Wizards.]
In order of appearance:
IRL — In Real Life
TIL — Today I Learned
LOL — Laugh Out Loud
OMW — On My Way
FYI — For Your Information
ID — Identification
WYD — What You Doing?
TBT — Throw Back Thursday
IBS — Irritable Bowel Syndrome
NSFW — Not Safe For Work
ICYMI — In Case You Missed It
TBH — To Be Honest
IMHO — In My Honest Opinion
BTW — By The Way
FR — For Real
OMG — Oh My God!
JOMO — Joy Of Missing Out
FOMO — Fear Of Missing Out
TBH — To Be Honest
RN — Right Now
NBD — No Big Deal
BC — Because
FWIW — For What It’s Worth
IDC — I Don’t Care
JK — Just Kidding
IDC — I Do Care
Millennial Index of Language Framework translated into Generation X speak:
IRL — In Real Fckin’ Life, Dude!
TIL — Today, I Laughed
LOL — You Cheeky Fcker
OMW — Off My Fckin’ Meds
FYI — Listen!
ID — I’m a Dick
WYD — What the Fck You Doing?
M&M — The M&Ms and Medium Conglomerate
TBT — A Lesser Known Synthetic Hallucinogenic
80s — A decade defined by bands like Dinosaur Jr, The Smiths, Pixies, Sonic Youth, et al. Fck, yeah!
IBS — I Haven’t Had A Sht For A Couple Of Days, But Let’s Call It A Syndrome
NSFW — Not Safe To Go To Fckin’ Work
ICYMI — In Case You’re A Fckin’ Idiot And Missed It
TBH — Right, Listen To Me!
IMHO — Right, Listen To Me!
BTW — Right, Listen To Me!
FR — For Fckin’ Real, Man!
OMG — F*ckin’ ‘Ell!
JOMO — *Please note, there is no equivalent for this in GenX Speak.
FOMO — Yeah! Abso-fckin-lutely!
TBH — Right, Listen To Me!
RN — Right Now
NBD — No Big Deal
BC — Because
FWIW — So, Fckin’ What!
IDC — I Don’t Give A Shit
JK — I’m Just Taking The Piss Out Of You
IDC — I Do Fckin’ Care
REUBUS HAGRID
“I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with”
Originally published in the mighty Medium publication The Bad Influence, 4th December, 2019/
Lee Serpa Azevado 