“Do Not Pity the Dead, Harry…

Pity those who live without lager”

Please note, I am not one of those writers that purposely makes Harry Potter references. Nor am I the type of writer to use malapropisms for comedic effect, but I will admit to being a bit of a hippocriff sometimes.

Please be sure to put your wand away before entering my story.

This morning, while waiting for the bus, I got talking to a Millenial. IRL. I know, I was shocked too!

We got talking about the social issues facing our global community. TIL a lot about Millenials.

The dude’s name was Harry. During the course of the conversation, Harry referred to me as old. LOL.

I told Harry I didn’t give a shit about being called old. Despite this, he felt the need to constantly apologise to me. An hour later, I’m still waiting for the bus, and Harry’s still relentlessly saying sorry to me. I texted work, telling them I would be late, but that I was OMW.

My mind had long since wandered. I was imagining getting to work and doing as little as possible. In my line of work, (FYI, I’m a psychiatric nurse), the only way to do it, is to sit and talk to patients without your ID badge on. If you look anything like me, people will easily believe you’re a psychiatric patient. No one ever says WYD. Well, certainly not the patient with elective mutism and delusions of being a giant M&M.

I heard someone say “…and that’s why I’m scared of creepy crawlies.” Like some kind of weird TBT, I thought I was back in the 80s, as a child, being looked after by my Irish step-uncle, Pete O’Fyle. Uncle Pete was such a creep. He was also disabled. He never touched me, he was just a bit creepy crawly.

I heard someone crying. It was Harry, he was shaking. “The thought of such horror exacerbates my IBS,” said Harry. I suddenly realized he’s NSFW in this current state. ICYMI, Harry works in a wand-making factory. According to rumor, Harry is quite the wand polisher, but he doesn’t think so. TBH, I think he’s just in daniel.

“Why are you so upset Harry? IDC about being called old. I have an older brother called Gary. He’s a whopping 12 years older than me! If anyone’s going to be called Oldman, my brother, Gary is,” says I. It took me a while to realise that Harry just wasn’t taking me Siriusly.

“There is despair everywhere I look,” exclaimed Harry.

Right, I thought to myself, I’ll take the bull by the horns. Or as they are rumoured to say in the corridors of Hogwarts, take McGonagall over the mantlepiece. “Harry,” I said, “this negative worldview of yours is grangerous. IMHO, I think you’re always jumping to the ron conclusion. Harry, answer me this please. Out of ten, how would you rate your current mood?”

“4 and three quarters,” answered Harry, somewhat solemnly.

“Harry, give me an example of this despair you claim is all around you.”

“Okay,” he said, “I went to my local library. I asked if they had a book on IBS. Somebody had ripped out the appendix. It made me feel so empty,” said Harry.

“But Harry, see that as a positive, not a negative. The bursting of the appendix of that book was a gut feeling that saved its life,” said I. “BTW Harry, what was the name of that book?

“I think it was Readers Digest,” said Harry.

“Hey, listen, dude, I bet you’re a vegan, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” said Harry, “now I only speak parsleytongue.”

“Cool. I commend you, my friend. You are doing your bit for a better world. But look at the beauty around you, before it disappears FR.”

OMG, I thought. Could it really be as simple as Millenials being too JOMO and previous generations being too FOMO? TBH, RN it’s NBD, BC FWIW, IDC. JK, IDC.

To remain inclusive of those younger individuals that prefer acronyms, the following index is known as the ‘Millennial Index of Language Framework.’

[The aim of the ‘Millennial Index of Language Framework’ is to be to this story, what ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ is to Wizards.]

In order of appearance:

IRL — In Real Life

TIL — Today I Learned

LOL — Laugh Out Loud

OMW — On My Way

FYI — For Your Information

ID — Identification

WYD — What You Doing?

TBT — Throw Back Thursday

IBS — Irritable Bowel Syndrome

NSFW — Not Safe For Work

ICYMI — In Case You Missed It

TBH — To Be Honest

IMHO — In My Honest Opinion

BTW — By The Way

FR — For Real

OMG — Oh My God!

JOMO — Joy Of Missing Out

FOMO — Fear Of Missing Out

TBH — To Be Honest

RN — Right Now

NBD — No Big Deal

BC — Because

FWIW — For What It’s Worth

IDC — I Don’t Care

JK — Just Kidding

IDC — I Do Care

Millennial Index of Language Framework translated into Generation X speak:

IRL — In Real Fckin’ Life, Dude!

TIL — Today, I Laughed

LOL — You Cheeky Fcker

OMW — Off My Fckin’ Meds

FYI — Listen!

ID — I’m a Dick

WYD — What the Fck You Doing?

M&M — The M&Ms and Medium Conglomerate

TBT — A Lesser Known Synthetic Hallucinogenic

80s — A decade defined by bands like Dinosaur Jr, The Smiths, Pixies, Sonic Youth, et al. Fck, yeah!

IBS — I Haven’t Had A Sht For A Couple Of Days, But Let’s Call It A Syndrome

NSFW — Not Safe To Go To Fckin’ Work

ICYMI — In Case You’re A Fckin’ Idiot And Missed It

TBH — Right, Listen To Me!

IMHO — Right, Listen To Me!

BTW — Right, Listen To Me!

FR — For Fckin’ Real, Man!

OMG — F*ckin’ ‘Ell!

JOMO — *Please note, there is no equivalent for this in GenX Speak.

FOMO — Yeah! Abso-fckin-lutely!

TBH — Right, Listen To Me!

RN — Right Now

NBD — No Big Deal

BC — Because

FWIW — So, Fckin’ What!

IDC — I Don’t Give A Shit

JK — I’m Just Taking The Piss Out Of You

IDC — I Do Fckin’ Care

“I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with”


Originally published in the mighty Medium publication The Bad Influence, 4th December, 2019/

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.