How to Climb the Mountain of Life

Whatever you do, don’t look down, look happy

They say if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. But they also say, when Moses came down the mountain, he knew his followers had bad breath, but still forgot to bring the Ten Commandmints, either way, letting go of a loved one is hard, but sometimes it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.

I know what you’re thinking, “this is all very well, but this young man is talking absolute nonsense!”

I’ll have you know I’m not a young man! I’ve damn well earnt my crow’s feet, my grey hair and my credit rating, I’m a Generation Xer, and I’ve survived to tell the tale. Life is a mountain, and this is the story of my ascent.

Several years ago, I thought I’d reached the Mountain’s peak, but I hadn’t. I thought I was a good climber, but I wasn’t. I lost my grip and fell. I could talk the talk, but I just couldn’t chalk the chalk. Oh boy, did I fall!

My friend Cliff, lost his leg mountain climbing. He retraced his step but still couldn’t find it.

So, I plummeted all the way to the bottom, I must admit I did cave in to the darkness, and instead of getting up, I got a drinking problem. I would drink anything, as long as it was on the rocks.

There was that one time I drove under the influence, I drove my car into a tree. Why? Because it was there.

Cliff’s accident really affected him. His ropes really unravelled. It was only when he started spanking his helmet that I realised he’d hit rock bottom.

As for me, it took a while to get a grip and start climbing again, but, eventually, I did. It was either that or I sit and stare at the Mountain. Climbing is hard, but we all know it leads to a better view. You have to put it in perspective, otherwise, you only have perspecve.

Cliff now lives like a hermit in the mountains. He’s often seen in a big fur coat, assassinating the characters of his poor victims. The locals call him the Adhominemal Snowman.

We are all prone to losing grip. And when we do, we may have no control over where we land. Some of us take longer than others to pick ourselves back up. But it is only when we face such adversities that we become better climbers.

Embrace the endless possibilities of always climbing up and be the best damn climber you can be.

To summit it up for you, you should never —

The End.

I know what you’re thinking – “what kind of an ending is that? This isn’t the time or place for moments of unresolved jeopardy!”

Sorry, but I really wanted to end the story on a bad cliffhanger, on reflection, I now realise it was an incredibly silly sling to do. Actually, while on the subject of my writing style, only the other day someone commented how impressed they were that I always squeeze subject related puns into every story. Well, I guess plateaus the highest form of flattery.

“Remember, it’s quite difficult to write one liners about mountains that are hill areas.
They’re mostly just a play on words.”

Lee Serpa Azeva-who?

Originally published in Medium publication MuddyUm, 29th January 2020.

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