How to Be the Ultimate Slacker

Living with ‘To Rest Syndrome’

I’m not the kind of writer to throw my weights around willy nilly. Do I do gym puns? No weigh! Nor do I believe making jokes about treadmills will get me anywhere. So basically, if you think a physical workout is more importanter than a mental workout, go join your local gym. You’ll find no such tomfoolery in any of my stories.

If you’ve recently joined the gym, and you’re anything like me, cancel that membership as soon as possible!

“Why?” I hear you ask.

Because my friend, going to the gym is akin to entering an alien world, where the beautiful bemuse and the lazy schmooze. I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 6 in the morning to exercise. I was right.

Being a slacker has provided me with a failed marriage, a mental breakdown, bankruptcy, and a side-gig as a writer. Now, you don’t get those kind of results from lifting weights!

Like a newbie at a gym, to be an effective slacker, it is of the utmost importance you avoid doing stuff. I know what you’re thinking, “Lee, how do I know what stuff to avoid doing?”

Good question. Here’s a comprehensive list of examples that should ensure you know your cop-outs from your workouts.

No. 1 – As a slacker, you should avoid, sitting and staring at a blank screen before lunchtime. Why? So you’ll have something to do in the afternoon.

As you can see, there are no hard and fast rules for avoiding stuff.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lee, that list is a piss-poor effort, what the hell were you thinking? You’ve just avoided doing what you said you would do. And now you’re trying to pass this off as an intentional but brief diversion within the story!”

Bite me! From an early age, I became a proficient avoider. In high school, my best friend would push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair. In order to be an effective slacker, I obviously needed to avoid pushing my bestie around in return. I just told him I didn’t like talking behind his back.

To be an effective slacker, it is imperative you also understand the concept of denial. My ex-wife left me because I live in constant denial. But, I’ve changed. Next weekend, she’s going to let me see the kids.

There was that one time I was at the gym and tried to keep up with this gym junkie. I did 10 minutes of cardio, 5 minutes on the defibrillator, and then 2 days in the hospital. This valuable life lesson prompted me to adjust my daily exercise routine. I now do 20 diddly squats every afternoon before I get out of bed.

To be the best slacker you can be, it’s also important to remember that certain scenarios will require you to be both avoidant and in denial, at the same time.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lee, how does one employ a demeanour of avoidance whilst maintaining a respectable level of denial?”

Very good question indeed. Here’s an example:

The other day, my girl asked me, “Hey babe, have you seen the remote control?”

Now, I knew that the remote control was under the couch. But as we all know, anything that falls under a slacker’s couch is lost forever. I know what you’re thinking, “Lee, this is the worse moral dilemma since you saw that fool at the gym mistakenly put his water bottle in the Pringles can holder, and you didn’t know whether to tell him or not.”

Let’s break this problem down. On the one hand, I knew that if I were to tell K the remote control was under the couch, she would get me to lift the couch up. But, if I don’t lift weights at the gym, I’m certainly not going to lift the couch at home. Therefore, in answer to K’s question, I denied any knowledge of the ‘missing’ remote control. And in doing so, I avoided lifting the couch up.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lee, you’re an absolute genius!”

I know right, you’ve got to get up early in the afternoon to catch me out.

“Lee, should there ever be an exception to these rules?”

Absolutely.

“But Lee, how will I know?”

Here’s an example for you. Yesterday I felt like being super lazy. For the uninitiated, super-lazy is like normal lazy, but with a cape. I deemed this as an exceptional situation, therefore I could justify going the extra mile the night before and going to bed with my cape on. By pushing myself to my absolute limits I was able to reap the benefits the following day.


“Whether you’re a deadbeat or a fitness freak, life is not a sprint. It’s a marathon. Only you get to set how high the bar is. Focus on your strengths and it will all work out in the long run.”

Lee Serpa Azeva-who?

Originally published in Medium publication The Swipe, 2nd February 2020.

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