Maybe it’s because they don’t know what to do with a drunken sailor

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Why did the Irish pirate walk the plank?

Because he couldn’t afford a dog

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I once told the above joke to a Millennial. They said they found it offensive, I asked why, “because it discriminates against minorities,” I was told.

“Can you be more pacific?” I asked. “Cross me hearty and hope to die, I didn’t mean any offense,” I added.

“You clearly think pussies should have fewer rights than dogs!”

I thought he was pulling my pegleg. “Don’t you mean cats, me matey?” I asked.

“No, I do not! I mean pussies,” was his anxious, yet irritable abrupt reply. He appeared to be swashbuckling under the strain of the conversation.

I tried explaining what I meant, “if you insist on using the word pussy, schooner or later someone is going to poke fun at you about it, and I’m guessing you wouldn’t want that beca…”

“Do not tell me what to do!” he shouted. He seemed a bit of a loose cannon.

As a consequence of telling a harmless joke, I now found myself stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea dog.

“I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just trying to advise you,” I said. “You don’t appear to be able to see the wood for the trees. Besides, don’t you think you are making a lot of fuss about nothing?” I asked.

“No, I do not,” he snapped again. “What if you had told that joke to a pussy, and the dog was much cuter than the pussy, how do you think the pussy would have felt?” he exclaimed.

“Booty is only skin deep,” I said. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit overboard about this?” To be honest, he sounded like he had a few issues he needed to get off his treasure chest.

“By the way, how come you weren’t offended by the fact the joke laughs at the Irish race?” I asked him.

“I’ve never heard of this race! Is it like the New York City marathon?”

On reflection, I’m left asking myself, “is this the ship of things to come?”

A schooner, a sloop and a galleon sail into a bar All hands lost

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Originally published in The Bad Influence, 5th November 2019.