That One Time I Had an Argument With Trump’s Grandma

One of my writing pals tagged me in a writer’s prompt. I only read it because it was in MuddyUm.


So here’s me answering some random questions:

1. If you could have dinner with a famous person, dead or alive who would it be?

Answer: Mary Anne McLeod

I’m waiting in a restaurant in Queens, in 1930s America. Mary Anne McLeod walks in. She carried the manners, decorum and civility of the latest settlers of the New World. I will never forget the first words Mary ever said to me:

“Yoo look like a dug takin’ pish aff a nettle.”

“Thank you,” says I. “Mary, I know what I’m about to tell you sounds crazy, but please let me finish, and then you can have your say,” said I. Mary didn’t look fussed, her focus was on trying to procure another bottle. “So Mary, I’m a secret agent time traveller from the year 2019.”

“Yer aff yer heid,” she said.

“No, I’m not Mary,” said I, “I’ve been sent from the year 2019. I’ve been sent here to change the course of history. If not, then the world will go to war and destroy itself.”

“Yer at it,” Mary said, as she filled up her glass.

“Please listen,” I asked.

Mary nodded.

“Well, in the future, you marry Fred Trump and have children. And one of your children will be born with a disability.”

“Ya wee swine! Awa’ n’ bile yer heed, you fuckin’ little shite!” Mary shouted down to the street urchin, who was climbing out from under the table. Mary gave him a good hard kick up the ass.

I tried again, “so Mary, this disabled child of yours will grow bigger, but his mental age will remain at around that of a 9-year-old. Despite this disability, he somehow becomes President. But no one, apart from his inner circle, actually knows he is actually just a 9-year-old boy. The future of the world is currently in the hands of a man-child. Please help us, Mary,” I pleaded.

“Yer a chancer,” Mary said. She was getting more irritable.

“Where’s Fred’s family from?” I asked Mary.

“Scandanavia, was it wi’ yoo?” she asked, then spat on the floor and looked some sailors up and down.

“They’re from Germany,” I said.

“Yer oot yer face!” Said Mary.

“I’m not drunk, I promise. I haven’t had a drink since 1912. I’m just trying to tell you that Fred Trump is German,” said I.

Pruuv it or yer gettin’ skelped!” offered Mary.

So out of my pocket, I took an official document that proved Fred Trump was indeed German, not Scandinavian, and I showed it to Mary.

I stood there, as if time itself, had stood still. I watched Mary consider her options. I knew the conflict she felt. The burden upon her. She was being asked to make the ultimate sacrifice. And, if she accepted it, it would be for the noblest of causes.

“German yoo’ say?” Mary asked me.

“Yes,” said I.

Mary paused in thought again. “I didnae come all the way from the Ooter Hebrides to be wi a clatty basturt who turns oot t’ be German. I wanna have bairns wi someone wi a sense o’ humurr. So laddie, where ar’ all the funy men?”

Well, I had only one answer for Mary, “I’m sorry to tell you Mary, but all the funny working-class people got shipped off to Australia.”

2. Who is your favorite writer?

Charles Bukowski

3. What is your sun sign and do you believe in astrology?

Taurus, the bull. I don’t believe in it. But my friend says I’m full off it. But then again she would say that she’s a Libran.

4. If you could be on a game show, which one would you choose?

Who’s Line is it Anyway?

5. What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Depends on who the director is.

If Directed by Tim Burton, Jonny Depp

If directed by Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder

If directed by Ridley Scott, Russell Crowe

If directed by Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta

If directed by David Zucker, Leslie Nielson

Ok, a more realistic option:

If Directed by Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais

6. What would be the title of that movie?

The Meaning of Life

7. Coffee or tea?

I find this question offensive. I’m British you know. Next!

8. Describe your perfect evening.

Reading Bukowski, while sipping some bourbon, spending quality time with loved ones, while listening to music.

9. What is your favourite online shopping site?

10. What colour describes your mood as you answer all these questions.


Originally published in Medium publication MuddyUm, 24th November 2019.

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