I’m Coming Out

I’m not staying for long, but I’m definitely coming out

The observant amongst you may have noticed I have recently ‘come out’ as punsexual.

“Hang on a cotton pickin’ minute, what the hell is this here punsexual?” I hear you ask. (I can’t actually explain what I’m doing in Alabama. I just needed an excuse to experiment with my writing).

Apologies for the digression. Where were we? Ah yes. A punsexual is an individual who identifies as being sexually attracted to bad jokes. Anyone that has read any of my humor pieces will realize I am a giant punsexual. My preferred personal pronouns are now fe/fi/fo/fum.

I am no longer ashamed of my comedic identity. In this age of woke, I now feel awake enough to get up and come out of the comedy closet. Talking about waking up, this morning I woke up to a tap on the door. Funny sense of humor my plumber has.

So, anyway, I was inspired to write this story following Mark Ronson’s recent public ‘coming out’ as sapiosexual.

Like similar momentous global events, such as the assassination of John Lennon and Nelson Mandela’s walk of freedom after 27 years of prison, we can all recall with poignant lucidity what we were doing at the time Mark Ronson ‘came out’ as sapiosexual. I can remember what I was doing; I was sitting on the toilet, round my mum’s house, browsing my Medium Reading List. Is the last sentence a sexual innuendo? Just have a long and hard think about it.

Mark Ronson is a risk-taker. I admire artists that take risks. Particularly those that place the risks solely on the shoulders of their publicist’s career.

For me, Ronson’s ‘coming out’ was empowering, emancipating and liberating. Prior to this groundbreaking moment in pop-culture, I was beginning to take on a cynical worldview. I had begun to believe that we live in a world where a multi-millionaire pop-icon does not feel safe enough, to publicly disclose he is sexually attracted to smart people. As a punsexual, I am attracted to quick-witted comedic comebacks. With great intelligence comes great response ability.

I might be middle-aged but I consider myself well informed of the current challenges, prejudices and lack of wifi, Millennials have to deal with in today’s post-modern society. Hopefully, Ronson has given strength to those out there that need it.

Ronson’s professed words of wisdom resonated with me. I was no longer alone. I no longer had to live in a world where I believed no one understood me. Just hearing there are others out there like me, made me feel stronger. It was liberating to hear that this multi-millionaire pop star was just like me. An absolute idiot.

Those that discriminate against punsexuals are known as punohomes. Not to be confused with speedophiles; a relatively harmless demographic found mostly in Australia. According to a spokesperson from the Australian Big Budgie Association (ABBA), speedophiles continue to be massive down under.

Author’s note: Since Mark Ronson’s ‘coming out’ his publicist has released the following statement:

“Mr Ronson has reflected on his recent coming out as sapiosexual. Mr Ronson now realizes he is not a member of a marginalized, ostracised demographic. With this in mind, Mr Ronson is deeply sorry for the immense distress he has caused to idiots around the world.”

“Your story don’t amount to a hill of beans.”

What the hell am I still doing in Alabama? I thought to myself.

“Don’t believe me?” I said to the Alabamian, “just watch.”

Originally published in Medium publication MuddyUm, 26th November 2019.

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