I’ve Decided to Start Writing About Sex

Everyone else is doing it like rabbits, so why can’t I?


My sexual history

I once went on a blind date with a girl that would arrange a selection of hors d’oeuvres on her magpie’s nest. She would try to make it look like a duck. It looked more like a platter puss.

Her culinary preferences went wider. She also had a fruit fetish. She used to love putting plantains in her mustard pot. I’ll tell you something for nothing, she was fcking bananas. Come to think of it, her kitchenette always smelt of a wide variety of fruit. I got the feeling she would let any mango in there.

I was so sexually naive back then; I thought people with fruit fetishes normally come in pears.


Here’s a random pic of an over-sexualised individual:

Photo by Ehimetalor Unuabona on Unsplash

We don’t talk about sex enough

The other day my friend, Woody and I were discussing sex.

Woody’s recently joined a kinky secret club, called the Illuminaughty.

Woody told me the first rule of Illuminaughty club; enter by the back door so there’s no dirtying up of the front passage.

Since Woody’s joined this club, he’s become obsessed with autoerotic asphyxiation. Woody can talk about it until he’s blue in the face. Sadly, he also suffers from clinical depression. So whenever I see a rope in his apartment, I never know whether he’s coming or going.

Woody told me, he and his colleagues recently got caught trying autoerotic asphyxiation at work. His friends got off. But he was suspended.

I advised him to call the autoerotic asphyxiation support line. He said he has, but every time he calls, he hears a recording that says, “all our operators are tied up right now.” They just leave him hanging.

Woody has been encouraging me to get into bondage. He’s been offering to show me the ropes.

Woody’s last girlfriend ended their relationship because he was too kinky in the bedroom. He nearly choked on her shit when she told him.


Roleplay and fetishes

The other day, I finally got my partner to ask me if I had any writing-related fetishes. I told her I’m into wordplay.

My partner really likes it, when I wear a business suit in the bedroom. She’s got this kinky fantasy where I’m not a writer at all. She likes to imagine I’ve got a proper job.

Last year, I told my partner we can have sex or go see Star Wars. I was devastated by her response. “I’m on my period and Star Wars is sold out,” she said. But she pulled some strings and got me in.


How was it for you?

Seriously, how was it for you? Although I’m not a huge fan of innuendos, I do like to slip one in every now and then.


How do you penetrate armour?

With an armadildo


Originally published in Medium publication MuddyUm, 11th December 2019.